Why Brett Favre (maybe) joining the Vikings is big news

So ESPN is wetting itself over Brett Favre’s possible signing with the Vikings, which is proof to me that:

A. The network really is sorta lame.

B. Favre is still considered big news in certain parts of Bristol, Conn.

C. Life is boring.

Let’s talk about C. Life really is boring. Not always, but often. We’re born, we die, and in between we struggle to find ways to keep it all interesting. There’s ice cream, there’s sex, there’s American Idol and 24, and there’s sports. So, in the case of Favre, we devote all our passions and energies to the man and his saga … even though he was terrible with the Jets last season; even though he’s 432-years old; even though it’s just football, and who really gives a damn? What else are we supposed to do? Spend time with our kids? Puh-lease. We need Brett, and A-Rod, and Fig Newtons, to spice up the salt-less miracle that is life.

So please, Brett, don’t return or retire. Just keep us waiting. It’s fun that way.