My favorite teacher

So whenever I go to SI.com there always seems to be the following ad staring me in the face:

Now, here are the things:

A. Any true teacher wouldn’t pose for a singles ad with a facial look that says, uh, well, “f— me.” (Writer’s Note: I am not saying this look actually/literally says, “f— me.” What I am saying is that the exclusively male editors of Maxim have designed a look that women are supposed to use that says “f— me.” Oddly, it’s very similar to the look that says, “F—, I have to go to the bathroom and the one upstairs is really nasty but I’m gonna be at this lame-ass party for another four hours, so, maybe I’ll just go outside and squat behind a tree.”)
B. Any true teacher wouldn’t pose for a single ad wearing that.
C. Any true teacher wouldn’t look like that to begin with.
By that, I don’t mean like an Aguilera/hooker wanna-be. I mean, well, I look back at the teachers I had throughout the years, and they were all wrinkly and conservatively dressed; sort of like Ward’s wife, minus the girdle. I think of my wonderful fourth grade teacher, Mrs. Hart, who wore her brownish-gray hair in a bun and waddled around like Danny DeVito’s portrayal of “The Penguin.” (Sad sidenote: Mrs. Hart died when she fell asleep on her couch while smoking a cigarette. True story).

Hey, as a kid I loved Van Halen’s “Hot For Teacher” video as much as the next 12-year old Mahopacian. But reality ain’t Van Halen. It’s doo-wop night at the Heritage Hills Senior Center.

5 thoughts on “My favorite teacher”

  1. Jeff, there is a factual error in this post, and you and I both know what it is. Actually, there are two, because I was a 21-year-old middle school teacher before landing at my–ahem–current gig.

  2. I am so sad to hear the particulars of Mrs. Hart’s demise. She was my 4th grade reading teacher (I had Mrs. Stingone). You’re right, she was a great lady who showed tremendous patience during my poorly planned & executed book reports.

  3. you know what confuses me? the hot christian women ads on facebook. same look, maybe same girl and a caption that says find “find hot christian girls.” wouldn’t i have more luck at wal-mart?

  4. Jeff!!!!! Not all of us have bun-hair and are wrinkly. In fact, several teachers at my school have been sent home during the day for outfits that were too sexy. Times have changed.

  5. That photo of Gillian Gibbons is a fantastic obscure reference. Especially because you only included the photo with no explanation. Well done, sir.

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