Me. Books. Silence.

So I am officially concerned that my greatest fear is about to come true. In fact, before I get to that, here are my three greatest fears, in reverse order.

3. Being locked in a shopping mall after it closes.

2. Overflowing the toilet in a stranger’s house.

1. Doing a book signing where I star as both the author and the only person in attendance.

Hell, I get chills just thinking about it. Which is why, right now, I’m straight chillin’. Just got this e-mail from the HarperCollins’ publicist, a nice Australian dude named Campbell:

We’ve already set up one event at the big Borders in Dallas. This is for your calendar:

AUTHOR GUEST(S): Jeff Pearlman
TITLE: Boys Will Be Boys: The Glory Days and Party Nights of the Dallas Cowboys Dynasty
DATE: Tuesday, September 23, 2008
TIME: 7:00 PM
EVENT TYPE: Discussion and Signing
10720 Preston Road, Suite 1018
Dallas, TX 75230

My first-ever book signing took place four years ago at the public library in my hometown of Mahopac, N.Y. Not only didn’t they publicize the event—they didn’t even say what type of book I had written. The turnout: Me, my wife, my dad, Dennis and Vinny Gargano (my old neighbors) and Andrew Honohan’s little sister. It was sort of humiliating, because Andrew Honohan’s little sister was the only person who wasn’t ordered by the law to show up.

In short, it sucked.

Things have improved since, but I still have a brutal fear. My good friend Jon Wertheim once told me the story of promoting his (fantastic) book, Transition Game, in Indiana and being sent to a Barnes & Noble for an event—only to find the store had permanently closed years earlier. Then, late last year, I was sitting at the nearby Borders when a sci-fi author had a signing. I was literally the only person there. And, naturally, I bought the book. How could I not? I felt his pain.

So, if you live in Dallas or have long dreamed of visiting Dallas or just wanna mock a loser author with bad breath and the complete Hall & Oates CD catalogue, well, you know where to find me.

PS: In case you’re wondering, the photo of Tattoo and Ricardo has nothing to do with anything.