los-ah

I talk to everyone. Absolutely, positively everyone. It’s a part of being a Son of Stan Pearlman—a requirement to make goofy-yet-well-intentioned comments.

So here I am, sitting in Starbucks, researching the next book, losing my mind beneath a pile of boredom. The woman next to me (SEE PICTURE), mid-20s, is eating sushi from what I can only assume to be a nearby market. I, meanwhile, am eating an egg salad sandwich from a carton. I say to her, “Man, life isn’t fair. You’ve got sushi, I’ve got a 17-week old egg salad sandwich.” Does she laugh? No. Nod? No. Cringe? No. She fucking ignores me, as if I’m some dweeb trying to hit on her—as opposed to some dweeb with a loving wife and two kids who merely feels the need to crack corny jokes/lame comments to everyone.

This offends me. Without people like myself (and my father), how would we know what’s actually funny in this world? Just like we need .200 hitters to have .350 hitters, we need tremendously unfunny people like myself to set the stage for Chris Rock, Dane Cook, etc. I am, in a sense, providing a service. The next time you tell a joke that falls flat, say, “Well, at least it wasn’t as lame as Jeff Pearlman’s egg salad comment.”

Man, f-ing egg salad.

4 thoughts on “los-ah”

  1. I share your gift – I inherited it from my father’s sister. she could strike up a conversation with a corpse in line at a Russian morgue (get it? cause in Russia you wait in line for everything. Hello? Is this thing on?)

    Sometimes you are going to get the blank stare. Sometimes you are going to get the laughter that is almost too much. It’s all part of this strange role of the Limbo Jester.

  2. Maybe she’s originally from Los Angeles. For some reason, Angelino females translate “hello” or any other first words from males as “I’m trying to get into your pants”. Maybe it’s because we are.

  3. Jeff — Please don’t ever compare Dane Cook to a .350 hitter ever again. A more apt comparison would probably be to someone like Jason Tyner, who at a glance may seem like a decent major league hitter with a career .275 batting average, until you look more closely and notice the .314 OBP and .323 slugging and the career OPS+ of 70.

    Similarly, Dane Cook may seem funny because he yells loudly, makes goofy expressions and has thousands of 17-year-old boys copying his “inventive” hand gestures, but trust me: he’s not actually funny.

  4. Jeff, Heres a small lesson in not being funny, and trust me, I am the King of Corney jokes!

    Take this simple sentence “Man, f-ing egg salad.”

    and make it “Man, Egg F-ing Salad!”

    we now return you to your regularly scheduled Blog..

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