If I’m Barack Obama …

… and I find out that the bozo behind the Swift Boats Veterans for Truth is releasing a new book; and I find out that John McCain isn’t truly distancing himself from the publication (not just in words, but in deed), I fire back. Strong. A portion of my speech:

“For the past two months, Senator McCain—a man who insisted he wanted to run a clean campaign—has been throwing one bomb after another my way. He says I’m an elitist. He says I play the race card. He says that I decided not to visit the troops upon learning it wouldn’t be televised. He says I don’t make good decisions. He says I’m out of touch. So many statements, one more critical than the other. Well, I’ve had enough. I truly wanted this campaign to be about the issues—about two respectable-yet-divergent views on where this country should be heading. I wanted to talk about what we need to excel—a new dedication to clean, renewable energy sources; an economic stimulus package that puts the working class back to work; an education plan that actually leaves no child behind. So many problems, so many issues, so many worthy discussions. Yet instead, Senator McCain wants to take the low road; wants to roll around in the mud and see who can get the dirtiest.

“So today, since I’m literally on vacation, I’ll take a vacation from my general campaign philosophy and play along.

“To begin with, Senator McCain says I am out of touch. Think about the audacity of that statement. Here is a man who is running for a position that can accurately be called the CEO of the United States of America, and he doesn’t know how to use a computer. Let me repeat that: John McCain, a United States senator in the year 2008, does not know how to use a computer. This staggers me because the fact of the matter is that, in this day and age, almost all business—be it political or commercial—is conducted via the internet. I mean, were John McCain applying to be a manager at, oh, Starbucks or Target or Best Buy, they’d ask whether he’s computer literate. And I’m out of touch?

“We’re talking about a man here who brags and brags and brags about his foreign policy experience, yet recently three times in the same week he referred to the nation of Czechoslovakia, a country that his literally not existed since 1992. He recently held a press conference from Iraq and he needed to be corrected on the little fact that Al Queda is in Iraq, not Iran. And I’m out of touch?

“John McCain bashed my voting record. Uses the ol’ “liberal” word over and over again. So let’s talk about voting. Six years ago, when I spoke out forcefully against invading Iraq, Senator McCain voted with the president. Then he voted with him time and time and time again. Heck, it strikes me as funny to hear Sen. McCain try so hard these days to distance himself from President Bush when, truth be told, his most important—in hindsight, most disastrous—votes came when he twice pulled the lever for George W. Bush in the voting booth. John McCain has all this wisdom … all this experience … all this knowledge—and yet twice, he decided this nation needed the leadership of George W. Bush …”

Just f-ing hand the dude his lunch …

That’s what I’d do.

*** Side note: When John Kerry was bashed by Swift Boat four years ago, I just wish he would have held a press conference to say, “OK, here’s the deal. I challenge the members of the Swift Boat group to meet me at the Walter Reed Medical Center at high noon. Let’s get X-Rayed and see who has the friggin’ shrapnel in his body …”

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