Eenis and Ferk Hoff

In promoting “Boys Will Be Boys” this past week, I’ve learned some valuable linguistic lessons.

Lesson 1: Don’t say “Jerk off” on the radio.

Lesson 2: Don’t say “Penis” on the radio.

The “jerk off” lesson came first. I was on Philly’s WIP radio with a host named Ike Reese (he used to be an Eagle) and he asked me about the antics of Charles Haley, the crazy defensive end. I said, “Well, he used to jerk off in the locker room, and …”


Total silence.

Total, humiliating silence.

The interview eventually continued, but things were never the same. Ike wrapped it up quickly, and when I was preparing to do Philly TV the next day, a producer said, “One favor, no ‘jerk off.'”

I said, “How about ‘Spanking the monkey?’ or “Whacking off?'” She laughed.

This morning I was on WFAN here in New York, in studio with Boomer and Craig, when I told the story of Haley walking through the locker room with athletic tape wrapped around his schlong. When I said, “Penis,” the mood totally changed. “Not the best radio word,” I was told later.

Hence—and I’ll make this a book giveaway—I’d love some good euphemisms that are radio friendly. In fact, not only will I offer a book, but I will select the most radio friendly one, and use them on my next viable interview and even try and drop the name of the person who supplies it …

Game on. (And read this for inspiration)

13 thoughts on “Eenis and Ferk Hoff”

  1. For Penis……”chuck hailey junior”
    Example: Charles enjoyed taking out “chuck hailey junior” and introducing him to both reporters and teammates.

    For Jerk off……………..”manually manipulated sack dance”
    He was known in meetings to take out
    “chuck hailey junior” and perform a “manually manipulated sack dance”.

  2. Don’t they have the delay so they can edit that stuff? Also, it seems odd that they ask about the Charles Haley antics and are then so ill-quipped to deal with it when you try to describe them.

    As for the euphemisms, how about referring to his schlong as Little Charles. Or if he’s sensitive about people mistaking that as a comment on its size, Big Little Charles.

  3. Hmm…. Several ways you could go here…..

    For jerking off, try “self-fulfilling” or “clearly enjoying himself” with the emphasis on “himself”.

    For penis, you could go Python and use “naughty bit”, but I think “unit” might be appropriate. You could even point out that Haley — and not Randy Johnson — should rightly be known as “the BIG unit”…. At any rate, “one-eyed trouser snake” is right out.

  4. There are some good suggestions by Kevin Spacey’s character in the movie American Beauty, when his wife catches him masturbating in bed during the night. I can’t specically remember the quotes, sorry.

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