Jingle Hell, Jingle Hell, Jingle slice my ears off, please …

As a guy who spends most of his daylight hours in myriad cafes and coffee shops, I’ve now had my brain penetrated by more than enough Christmas music to kill a large rat. Hence, I offer this brief list of the Top 5 Most Horrid, Putrid Christmas Songs Ever That Must Be Stopped Now, Now, Now!!!!!!!!!! (By the way, here’s the best holiday song ever, if you care)

1. “Mistletoe and Holly,” Frank Sinatra: Oh by gosh, by golly, Starbucks plays this song 8,000,000 times per day, and it sucks so amazingly bad that I can’t believe it’s Sinatra and not, say, Elton John. Just the absolute worst, most annoying holiday song ever written.

2. “Grandma Got Run Over By a Reindeer,” Elmo n Patsy: I was 12-years old the first time I heard this song, and it made me chuckle. Now, 10,000 listens later, it is acid to my face. Not funny, not harmonious, not good. Please make it stop. Please.

3. “Jingle Bell Rock,” Hall & Oates: It’s not a secret that I rank Hall & Oates ahead of the Beatles, but man, oh, man, what the hell were they thinking? (I can only imagine what goobers they felt like, filming this video. It’s like gay porn meets Leave It To Beaver)

4. “Jingle Bells,” Barking Dogs: I’m not making this up. Until a week ago, I did most of my writing at the Borders in Eastchester, N.Y. Then they started playing this song regularly, and I lost it.

5. “Santa Baby,” Kylie Minogue: Could be sung by Madonna, Dirk Nowitzki, Jed Bush–doesn’t matter. A masterpiece of dread. (Plus, she’s lipsinking)