A letter from Michael Phelps …

Dear America:

I am writing to you today with a very important message: Go f–k yourself.

I mean no disrespect. But really, go f–k yourself.

I am 23-years old. For the last 15 years, all I have done is swim. I get in the pool, I get out of the pool, I get in the pool, I get out of the pool. It has been soooooo fucking boring, I can’t even begin to describe … well, wait. Let me try. Imagine working at a cardboard factory for 17 hours per day, sans lunch break. Imagine being the guy who puts the caps on pens. Imagine you’re the dope hired to fill Twinkies with the goop. One Twinkie after another after another. Well, that’s me. That’s my life. One ceaseless conveyor belt of Twinkies.

I know … I know—I won eight gold medals, and y’all would give your right arm to do the same and I’m an ingrate and a moron and blah, blah, blah. But guess how many girls I’ve kissed in the past, oh, 10 years. Guess! Wanna know the answer? Two—my mom, and Dara Torres after taping an HBO show. Guess how many vacations I’ve taken? Zero. How many dates I’ve gone on? Zero. How many drunken nights on South Beach I’ve had? Zero. My life is soooooo boring, you wouldn’t even believe it. Seriously, seriously dull.

So do me a friggin’ favor and shove your box of Special K up your a–. You don’t want me shilling coffee machines for you? Fine. You don’t wanna pay me big bucks to wear your watch? Big s–t. I’m tired of this garbage, and I’m not gonna take it anymore.

Now pass me the bong, bitch. I’m going out to get laid.


Michael Phelps

U.S. Olympic Swim Team

PS: To the good folk at Speedo who made me pose for the above picture, look at me. Seriously, look at me. I don’t care how much you’re paying, I’m never wearing that stupid thing again.

7 thoughts on “A letter from Michael Phelps …”

  1. Not for nothin’, Jeff, ’cause I’m totally with you on this – but I’d also write exactly the same thing for Barry Bonds and every other athlete stuck in this PED silliness.

    “You don’t think Jordan and Tiger LeBron are on something too? You don’t think Mays and Aaron took pills? This is the adults table. Michael Irvin stabbed a teammate in the neck and no one blinked. Grow the f*** up.”

  2. Michael Phelps is an American Hero. He stood tall and made America proud at the Beijing Olympics. This is how America treats its heroes, we forget all of the hard work Michael Phelps did to achieve his task, we forget the pride we felt with the each gold medal, we forget how Phelps helped America to be competitive against a Chinese when they planned on winning all of the gold’s, we forget all of those things and hang a man for smoking a glass pipe at a college party. It is time that we as a country stand up for the rights of the individual, it’s time we stand together with our neighbors and take collective control of our destinies. Write a congressman or a senator any of them; imagine the weight of millions of emails calling for a change in policy. In this moment in America anything is possible just Google the email address of you’re representative and send him or her short email. It will take 10 minutes but then you have taken responsibility for change. A senator considers each email as representative of 2 thousand voters.

  3. I was a competitive swimmer for 8 years. Never at the highest level, of course, but I totally get what you’re saying. I was 15 and found myself practicing 3 hours a day during Nebraska winters starting at 5:00am. And that was when I decided I preferred stuffing Twinkies…..

  4. Dear Michael,
    No, no, no, don’t be silly. You must ALWAYS wear that Speedo contraption. For my sake. Now here, have some kind.

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