JEFF PEARLMAN

Coming October 2022: "The Last Folk Hero: The Life and Myth of Bo Jackson"

My worst nightmare

toilet_overflow

Throughout my 37 years of life, two potential catastrophes have haunted my brain:

A. Being locked in a shopping mall.

B. Overflowing a toilet in either a public place or somebody’s house.

Moments ago, B nearly came to be. I’m still shaken.

I’m working here in the Sunburst coffee shop near Union Square. The food is OK, the wireless excellent, the coffin-sized bathroom, ahem, nasty. But I had to go—really had to go. So I entered, locked the door and lined the toilet with paper towels—the only available liner. After finishing my task, a few paper towels fell into the water. I flushed, then watched in horror as the water began to rise. Faster and faster and faster. I reached for the plunger, a nasty black model, circa 1964. I plunged and plunged and plunged, and just as the water cradled the seat—whooosh! Down it went.

Saved, by a hair.

Man, I hate bathrooms. Give me $1 million or the ability to never again use a toilet, I take the superpower …

* NOTE: The photo above is not the toilet here.