Just read about Arlen Specter’s town hall meeting from earlier today, when a gaggle of angry conservative morons made the unfortunate error of opening their mouths and thinking at the same time.
I’ve paid pretty close attention to this issue, so I’ll provide some important answers:
Q. Will this plan result in senior citizens losing their health coverage?
A. Yes. Old people are boring, and they smell like prune juice. I know … I know—we’re supposed to be all giddy about visiting Florida for a week on winter’s vacation so Grammie and Paw-Paw can take us to Butterfly World and spin yarns of the good ‘ol days. But, really, who wouldn’t rather stay home and play XBox? So we have decided to let you all die naturally. Then, when you finally kick the can, we will eat you.
Q. Are we turning into a socialistic nation?
A. Yes, we are. But don’t be upset. Did you ever see the movie “White Nights?” If you recall, Gregory Hines’ character lived happily in communist Russia for years. And he was black!
Q. Will I lose all my benefits?
A. Probably. But, on the bright side, everyone will receive a free magnet.
Q. What are you going to do to restore this country back to what our founders created, according to the Constitution?
A. Well, you are a woman. So, first and foremost, you will receive 50 lashings from your husband for speaking out of turn. Then we will banish you to the pig trough, to clean Cecil, the 600-pound hog. Then, and only then, you can play with your magnet.
Q. Is our president an American citizen?
A. No. He was born and raised in Kenya, and has come here to steal your guns. Then he will return to Kenya and lead an army of gun-toting Kenyans against America, using the secret technology he attained by melting Joe Biden’s brain. There is only one person who can save us, and she goes by the name of Sarah.
Q. Is it true this is just a ploy by the gay people to have sex with little kids?
A. Yes.
Q. Why should I care about 46 million Americans without health coverage?
A. You shouldn’t. We’re Americans—U! S! A! U! S! A! We didn’t get this deep in debt by caring about others. Do what you’ve gotta do for you, eat donuts and enjoy your Medicare.
Q. Isn’t Medicare socialized medicine, so to speak?
A. Look! A bunny rabbit! Over there!
** PS: From Obama’s rally earlier today in New Hampshire (via the New York Times):
Across the driveway from Mr. Jordan, holding one of those Hitler posters — “Hey America, You want Change? Hitler did too!†— stood Diane Campbell, a Dunkin’ Donuts franchise owner from Kingstown, N.H..
“Hitler killed six million people; he killed everyone who wasn’t perfect,†Ms. Campbell said. “I have an elderly mom and a severely handicapped sister, and I fear for their lives if this plan goes though.â€
