Last night I attended a friend’s birthday party at the Warriors-Knicks game at Madison Square Garden.

Good time. Nice people, cold soda (though only after a 45-minute line), free T-shirts for the group purchase. Etc … etc.

One problem: The Knicks.

Boy, do they suck. I mean, they’re really, really, really, really awful. Their new slogan for 2009-10 is DECLARE, meaning, “Declare your loyalty to us while we charge you insanely high prices to watch the sporting equivalent of festering dog excrement.” The Knicks have no go-to scorers, play zero defense and, apparently, don’t go at it with much intensity.

Let’s say, hypothetically (though probably not realistically), LeBron James decides to come to New York. Here’s what happens to each guy on the current Knick roster (with odds of their return in 2010-11):

• Wilson Chandler—Probably starts at small forward, but only until “potential” turns into “will always underachieve” and he’s traded to the Clippers for a second-round pick (80%).

• Eddy Curry—Ha (0).

• Toney Douglas—Looks like the potential is there to be an OK NBA backup (80%).

• Chris Duhon—If he’s in the NBA next year, I should be, too. Maybe the league’s worst player (0).

• Danilo Gallinari—A keeper, and a starter. Might never turn into Dirk, but he’ll be an 18-to-22 ppg scorer throughout (100%).

• Al Harrington—The typical type of guy who winds up with Indiana or the Clips, averaging 21 ppg while shooting 41 percent and playing zero defense. You can’t win with him (0).

• Jordan Hill—He’ll be here, but only as a reminder that the Knicks could have selected Brandon Jennings. Not very good end-of-bencher (90%).

• Larry Hughes—See Harrington, Al (0).

• Jared Jeffries—Almost as bad as Duhon. You know when it was clear to me how bad the Knicks were? When they signed Jeffries as a free agent and held a press conference to announce the deal. Oh, and his contract runs through … 2011. (80%).

• Marcus Landry—Never knew he existed before yesterday (0).

• David Lee—An interesting quandary. Lee is clearly the team’s best player, but he’s a 6-9 power forward who’s playing center. His shooting is very limited, though he can rebound with the best of them. On the Lakers or Celtics, he’s a 6th or 7th man. You’d love to keep him, but the Knicks want to clear as much salary space as possible. Hmm (50%).

• Darko Milicic—Translated, Darko means, “He doomed to evoke comparisons to Greg Dreiling.” (0).

• Nate Robinson—The Knicks would have to be on crack to bring him back. Typical high scorer on a bad team. (10%).
Declare, baby.