The Whopper


I plunked down the $4.50, waited a couple of minutes, then received the package.

It was warm. I felt the heat through the brown paper bag. The sensation was familiar, what with my background as a Burger King junkie. But it’d been years—more than four since my last hit. Sobriety hadn’t even been that tough. I’d moved on—chicken and fish, maybe a turkey burger.

But there I was, earlier today, standing inside the Burger King on Central Avenue, clutching a Whopper.

As my wife just told me, “Something is seriously wrong with you.” Ever since my fingers started swelling, I’ve been searching for answers. Too much salt. Too little water. Too much soda. Too much heat. Recently, I thought about protein—how I eat too few foods with it. So, in an ode to irrationality, I went back to the Whopper.

I retreated to the sanctuary that is my Prius. Sat down, unwrapped the burger. Held it to my nose and took a sniff. Ah, that old familiar sent. Goodness. Love. Home. Then I took a bite. And another bite. And another bite. The meat and grease and pickles and tomato all melded together atop my taste buds, one gigantic explosion of old-school bliss.

And now, I want to throw up.

I can’t describe how absolutely disgusting the Whopper is. My long-lost love … my Halle Berry, has transformed into Medusa. Little chunks of Grade-C beef, rolling behind my upper lip. It’s been two hours, and the nastiness lingers. My hands smell of Whopper. My breath smells of Whopper. My … Jesus, everything smells of Whopper.

Nasty, nasty, nasty.

7 thoughts on “The Whopper”

  1. One of the best descriptions of fast food, ever. Such poetry. Such description. You should teach MFA classes on the side, using this as the template for creative nonfiction.

    OK, maybe not, but either way, this was great, so yeah, I’m done now.

  2. Stopped eating fast food about ten tears ago. Recently had my burger of choice-“The Big Mac.”Got to admit it tasted pretty good but definetly had a feeling of general malaise for a couple hours afterward. What causes that?-just cheap meat? Does one need to build a resistance to fast food?

  3. There’s been a noticable decline in quality in fast food (there was quality to begin with?) in the past several years. Cutting costs have apparently resulted in inferior food, which is both good and bad. Bad, of course, is that it doesn’t taste as good. The good part is that it’s a great incentive to avoid fast food whenever possible. Maybe once every two weeks I’ll go to Five Guys and get a *delicious* burger, but other than that, I rarely will go to a fast food place and get a burger anymore. There’s just no value in it for me since it’s of course unhealthy and all that jazz, but it also just doesn’t taste good anymore and leaves you feel like absolute crap afterwards. (I always feel queasy after eating at McDonald’s!)

  4. I love Whopper’s! They are the best. That tune “would you like a sizzling whopper” constantly runs through my mind, I’m always singing it!

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