How?

4-up on 2010-12-30 at 08.39

Sometimes I look at myself in the mirror and wonder, “How did I get here?”

I really don’t understand it. I feel like I should be 21. Sometimes, 25. But I look at my reflection, and I’m aging. My hairline isn’t what it once was, I have bags under my eyes, occasionally I’ve gotta tug out a gray hair. The years from 13 through 30 didn’t seem to go that fast. They didn’t crawl, but they didn’t soar past, either. I enjoyed them, without thinking much about aging. But now, at 37, I can see myself at 40. At 50. At 60. At 70. At 80. At 90. At Dead.

Any boyish features have pretty much vanished. The lines on my forehead are deeper than they were a year ago. My back hurts when I wake up. Sometimes, in a desperate swipe at youth, I’ll wear a backward baseball cap. Or hold a conversation about hip-hop or flicks with someone 10 … 15 years my junior. But the Fountain of Youth doesn’t exist, and no matter how many times I tell myself today’s 37 is yesterday’s 27, well, it’s not. It’s me trying to comfort myself.

I don’t fear aging. I just don’t like it. I want to stay 25 forever. Hell, I’d be happy sticking at 37 forever. But 38 comes in a matter of months, the years flying by without a break for lunch.

How did i get here?

7 thoughts on “How?”

  1. Jeff get out of my head!!! I just had the same thoughts this morning when I was driving to work and happened to glance in the rearview mirror. Being just over a month from my 39th birthday, I find myself often asking, “how did I get here?” I still think I’m like 27, but my body says, “uh-uh buddy the days of a consistent 270 yard driver off the tee box are dwindling… QUICKLY!”

    … sigh.

  2. Yeah, I know how you feel Jeff. I turned 38 in October and I feel like 40 is here now. I didn’t start feeling “old” psychologically until last year… 35 was a weird age, because I wasn’t really young, but I wasn’t quite “old” yet. But 38… yeah, how did I get here indeed.

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