JEFF PEARLMAN

Coming October 2022: "The Last Folk Hero: The Life and Myth of Bo Jackson"

Maturbatory thinking

llama
I finally got around to reading the Feb. 4 issue of Rolling Stone, with Jonathan Mayer on the cover. The story is a pretty fascinating read. Mayer comes off as a wacky-yet-endearing guy entering his 30s and trying to figure out what fame and fortune have to do with the meaning of life. Blah, blah, blah, blah.

But then there was this:

“I am the new generation of maturbator,” Mayer says. “I’ve seen it all. Before I make coffee, I’ve seen more butt holes than a proctologist does in a week.”

Does this new generation of masturbator masturbate every day?

“I don’t like that question, because it seeks to make me sound strange if I say ‘yes,’ but of course I do. I mean, I have masturbated myself out of serious problems in my life. The phone doesn’t pick up because I’m masturbating. And I have excused myself at the offest tim,es so as to not make mistakes. If Tiger Woods only knew when to jerk off. It had a true market value, like good bullion.”

Genius. Absolute genius. And I’m not being sarcastic. For some odd reason (read: religion), we’ve been instructed to think that the body is dirty, and that anything sexual (that doesn’t have to do with producing a baby) is taboo and wrong and almost devilish. This runs the gamut of faiths, from Christianity to Judaism to Islam, and it’s shameful (it also leads to the 8 gazillion scandals involving clergy and young boys, but that’s another blog post). In other words, I agree with Mayer 100%: Had Tiger Woods simply taken 10 minutes per day (five if he had a tournament to get to) or 20 minutes per day (twice) or 30 minutes per day (three times) to pick up the latest Juggs, find the nearest bathroom and jerk away his libido, a lot of his problems could have been avoided.

I like reading quotes like Mayer’s, because the more sexual thinking that’s out in the open, the more we, as a society, can feel free and happy and fulfilled with ourselves. From masturbation to gays in the military to sex-starved priests to infidelity to porn to … whatever, Americans are terribly uncomfortable with theirs penises and vaginas. We always think we’re the only ones feeling a certain way; doing certain things; having certain thoughts. And we’re not. Ever. Ever.

So when I had sex with that llama …