Maturbatory thinking

llama
I finally got around to reading the Feb. 4 issue of Rolling Stone, with Jonathan Mayer on the cover. The story is a pretty fascinating read. Mayer comes off as a wacky-yet-endearing guy entering his 30s and trying to figure out what fame and fortune have to do with the meaning of life. Blah, blah, blah, blah.

But then there was this:

“I am the new generation of maturbator,” Mayer says. “I’ve seen it all. Before I make coffee, I’ve seen more butt holes than a proctologist does in a week.”

Does this new generation of masturbator masturbate every day?

“I don’t like that question, because it seeks to make me sound strange if I say ‘yes,’ but of course I do. I mean, I have masturbated myself out of serious problems in my life. The phone doesn’t pick up because I’m masturbating. And I have excused myself at the offest tim,es so as to not make mistakes. If Tiger Woods only knew when to jerk off. It had a true market value, like good bullion.”

Genius. Absolute genius. And I’m not being sarcastic. For some odd reason (read: religion), we’ve been instructed to think that the body is dirty, and that anything sexual (that doesn’t have to do with producing a baby) is taboo and wrong and almost devilish. This runs the gamut of faiths, from Christianity to Judaism to Islam, and it’s shameful (it also leads to the 8 gazillion scandals involving clergy and young boys, but that’s another blog post). In other words, I agree with Mayer 100%: Had Tiger Woods simply taken 10 minutes per day (five if he had a tournament to get to) or 20 minutes per day (twice) or 30 minutes per day (three times) to pick up the latest Juggs, find the nearest bathroom and jerk away his libido, a lot of his problems could have been avoided.

I like reading quotes like Mayer’s, because the more sexual thinking that’s out in the open, the more we, as a society, can feel free and happy and fulfilled with ourselves. From masturbation to gays in the military to sex-starved priests to infidelity to porn to … whatever, Americans are terribly uncomfortable with theirs penises and vaginas. We always think we’re the only ones feeling a certain way; doing certain things; having certain thoughts. And we’re not. Ever. Ever.

So when I had sex with that llama …

6 thoughts on “Maturbatory thinking”

  1. You realize the Teboners will come back in force criticizing you for having sex with a llama, don’t you? Tongue-in-cheek humor is not their forte.

  2. I prefer Mayer’s comments in the new issue of Playboy

    MAYER: Someone asked me the other day, “What does it feel like now to have a hood pass?” And by the way, it’s sort of a contradiction in terms, because if you really had a hood pass, you could call it a n*gger pass. Why are you pulling a punch and calling it a hood pass if you really have a hood pass?

    Bravo John!! You were probably sick of having a career anyway.

  3. Yeah Alex, I’m sure he’ll NEVER make another record. He’ll probably play to empty stadiums on his current tour, too, once the outraged masses boycott.

    Or he’ll apologize sincerely (as he already has on Twitter) and we’ll all move on. As we should.

  4. I talked to a girl at a party like 10 years ago (I’m 32 now). She met him at a music store. She said all he wanted to talk about was masturbation. By the way, I think his music sucks.

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