Was talking with the wife this morning about the new We Are The World. Told her that while I enjoyed the updated version, it clearly lacks the superstar oomph of the original. She disagreed, saying, “In 1985 Hall & Oates weren’t much.” This was a low blow, because she knows I consider Hall & Oates to be the Beatles of 80s puff pop.
Alas, I digress. Out of boredom, I’ve decided to rank the We Are The World participants in order of legacy/body of work/greatness at the time of performance (meaning the originals will be rated on their status in 1985; the newbies will be rated on 2010 status).
Let the debating begin …
1. Michael Jackson (1985)—Unparalleled in greatness and weirdness. RIP.
2. Bob Dylan (1985)—Hurricane an underrated classic.
3. Ray Charles (1985)—Just being honest, the film made me appreciate his splendor.
4. Stevie Wonder (1985)—Creator of the best wedding song ever.
5. Bruce Springsteen (1985)—His duet with Stevie makes the original classic.
6. Paul Simon (1985)—Always better solo.
7. LL Cool J (2010)—Now more of an actor, but in the running for best all-time rapper.
8. Diana Ross (1985)—Annoys me to no end … but no arguing the career.
9. Celine Dion (2010)—Material to kill cats, but a voice of the Gods.
10. Snoop Dogg (2010)—Once asked by Craig Kilborn to name his favorite Hostess treat. His response: “Ho. Hos.”
11. Tina Turner (1985)—Oozes soul. I dare you to find a better one than this.
12. Kenny Rogers (1985)—Mmmm—wood-roasted chicken.
13. Billy Joel (1985)—Tremendous output; needs to stop DWM (Drinking while marrying)
14. Smokey Robinson (1985)—Tears of the Clown holds up. Suspiciously, so has his face.
15. Lionel Richie (1985)—Excellent with the Commodores, so-so as a cheesy solo artist.
16. Tony Bennett (2010)—Sounds terrible in the new version, but no arguing the career.
17. Willie Nelson (1985)—Looks like he has to poop in the 1985 video. Really, watch.
18. Mary J. Blige (2010)—I love her.
19. Bette Midler (1985)—My wife says she belongs here (Blame it on Beaches).
20. Barbra Streisand (2010)—Celine Dion, only significantly more grating.
21. Kanye West (2010)—Cocky as all hell, but backs it up.
22. Harry Belafonte (1985)—Dude’s bananas.
23. Usher (2010)—Seriously, please stop wearing sunglasses inside. Please.
24. Kenny Loggins (1985)—The Footloose crap killed him.
25. Busta Rhymes (2010)—Wanna hear Busta at his best? Click here.
26. Janet Jackson (2010)—Not what she was.
27. Carlos Santana (2010)—Will never lose his cool, even after a duet with Michelle Branch.
28. Lindsey Buckingham (1985)—The brain behind Fleetwood.
29. Pink (2010)—Better than I thought. And how the f*** did she do this?
30. Fergie (2010)—Great voice burdened by a cheesy group.
31. Dionne Warwick (1985)—Whitney’s aunt once busted in airport for pot.
32. Lil Wayne (2010)—Is reading this from jail.
33. Daryl Hall (1985)—Should be No. 1, save for this.
34. Josh Groban (2010)—Not my thing, but the ladies like him.
35. Miley Cyrus (2010)—She’ll likely be doing Atlantic City by 2015, but this song works for me.
36. Akon (2010)—Nothing about him interests me.
37. Cindy Lauper (1985)—The key line in the 1985 song. Has had a solid career.
38. Nick Jonas (2010)—Please vanish.
39. Will.i.am (2010)—A poor man’s Wyclef, but oddly popular.
40. Steve Perry (1985)—This is the worst video ever. But the song is terrific.
41. James Ingram (1985)—Lotta fluff.
42. Wyclef Jean (2010)—Butchers the 2010 version by thinking he can sing.
43. Jennifer Hudson (2010)—Great voice, wonderful actress. Need to see more.
44. Huey Lewis (1985)—When my brother and I were kids, Mom wouldn’t let us listen to this song.
45. Jeffrey Osborne (1985)—A good friend of mine had a crush on his bass player.
46. T-Pain (2010)—One hit song does not a We Are The World rapper make.
47. The Pointer Sisters (1985)—Yawn.
48. Waylon Jennings (1985)—Was he even there? First I knew of it.
49. Justin Bieber (2010)—I am training my son to one day beat this kid’s ass with a pipe.
50. Nicole Scherzinger (2010)—Shockingly, wearing clothes in the video.
51. Bob Geldof (1985)—Organized Live Aid. But can anyone name a song? Just one?
52. Toni Braxton (2010)—Long over … and blew all her dough.
53. Al Jarreau (1985)—Guy was super-smooth.
54. Enrique Iglesias (2010)—Removed his mole. Why? (Like this tune, though)
55. Kim Carnes (1985)—Scratchy voice.
56. John Oates (1985)—The Man (when it comes to mustaches).
57. LaToya Jackson (1985)—Ha.
58. Jamie Foxx (2010)—Great actor, dime-a-dozen singer.
59. Adam Levine (2010)—Dick In a Box is classic.
60. Sheila E. (1985)—Bandleader on Magic Johnson’s talk show. Hence, she belongs here.
61. Jennifer Nettles (2010)—Never looked right in a Padres uniform.
62. BeBe Winans (2010)—If more than 10 people cared about gospel singers …
63. Mary Mary (2010)—As a Jew, I can’t endorse their satanic messages.
64. Tito Jackson (1985)—Only invited because his name is Tito.
65. Randy Jackson (1985)—The one with a famous brother.
66. Marlon Jackson (1985)—Were he to sit in front of me and say, “I’m Marlon Jackson,” I still wouldn’t recognize him.
67. Jackie Jackson (1985)—Ditto.
68. lyaz (2010)—I don’t even know what to say.
69. David Paich (1985)—He was apparently a member of Toto.
70. Isaac Slade (2010)—Lead singer of The Fray, a good group that sounds an awful lot like Fastball.
71. Steve Porcaro (1985)—He was apparently a member of Toto.
72. Swizz Beatz (2010)—No, no, no.
73. Dan Aykroyd (1985)—Just because one sings in a movie doesn’t mean he belongs.
74. Jeff Bridges (2010)—Just because one sings in a movie doesn’t mean he belongs.
75. Vince Vaughn (2010)—With no smart-ass lines available, he turns to music. Inexplicably.
76. Randy Jackson (2010)—The one still throwing out 2001 hip-hop lingo on American Idol.
