What Tiger Woods should say …

Tiger Talks Golf

On SI.com, the excellent Joe Posnanski wrote a piece on what Tiger Woods should tell the media in today’s statement. Joe is great—but I thoroughly disagree. Here’s my take …

First of all, before I start, I’d like to apologize to my wife Elin and our children. It’s pretty obvious that I’ve been an absolutely terrible husband and, by extension of that, father. If I haven’t ruined everything—and in all likelihood I have—from here on out I plan on making my family my No. 1 priority. The words “I’m sorry” come too late, but they are stated with genuine remorse and humility. I am entirely to blame for this mess. All that has happened to me over these past few months is my own doing. All of it.

That being said, I have asked you—selected members of the media—to come here today so I can state the following.

(Tiger opens up a notebook and pulls out a piece of paper).

Bite me.

(Tiger opens up a notebook and puts away a piece of paper).

To elaborate, by “bite me” I mean that you are the loathsome mold scum of rotted sloth intestine, and I damn you all to a special spot in hell alongside the hollowed-out corpses of diseased swine.

Seriously, have y’all had fun these past few months? Has it been a blast, chasing down every bimbo sorority girl and plastic-breasted barkeep who calls your so-called “news” hotline with wild stories of a sex addict gone wild? Yeah, some of them have been telling the truth. OK, many of them have been telling the truth. But so what? So friggin’ what?

Guess what I do for a living? I hit a golf ball. Literally, I hold a metal club in my hands and thrust it powerfully toward a round object made from the cores of titanium compounds. Then I do it again. And again. And again. Yes, I gross millions upon millions of dollars, and companies like Nike and Buick paid handsomely for me to support their products. But, come day’s end, I am merely an athlete. I have never guided a platoon, issued an executive order, arrested a mass murderer, extracted molars, taught eighth grade math or collected your garbage every Tuesday and Friday mornings. If I have a social impact, it is only because people tend to overstate the value of organized athletics in this country. I am, at my core, a golfer. Just a stinkin’ golfer.

But that doesn’t matter to you, does it? Because, even in this time of 10-percent unemployment and large-scale military deployments, sex sells. And celebrity sex really sells. Back in the old days, you in the press were content to allow our sports heroes to have their own lives. You would write about their exploits on the fields and courts, but when the games ended, your work days ended, too. In 2010, however, it’s all about gossip and innuendo and grabbing the readers. You’ll dig through my garbage, you’ll camp outside my house, you’ll follow my wife—my poor, did-absolutely-nothing-wrong wife—when she drives to Whole Foods for a box of Honey Nut Cheerios. Hell, you even camped photographers outside a rehabilitation center, where people who are truly suffering go for help. I am tempted to ask if y’all consider anything to be off limits, but, sadly, I know the answer. If you are famous in this country, your life is everyone’s life—period.

So here’s what I’m going to do: First, I’m reclaiming my family and working on my personal problems. Second, I’m returning to the PGA Tour in a few months, and I’m planning on kicking ass. I mean it—I’m going to take no prisoners and regain my status as the world’s best player. Third, I’m no longer seeking endorsement opportunities. With sponsors comes social responsibility, and I’m hardly in a position right now to suggest anything to anybody.

Lastly, members of the media, I’m coming after you—hard. I have hired a team of the country’s best private investigators and they have already begun digging into the lives of my most ardent accusers and tormentors. Lauren Sanchez of Extra—you damn well better pay your taxes on time. Jim Moret of Inside Edition—I hope you’ve never visited a strip club. And to the cowardly photographers who stalked me in Mississippi, well, let’s just say I know who you are and I know where you live.

Now excuse me—I have a life to reclaim.

23 thoughts on “What Tiger Woods should say …”

  1. I agree with you 100%! Make Elin and the kids your life. Go play golf Thursday – Sunday beat some ass and do what ever Elin wants.

  2. Golddiggers shouldn’t expect their husbands to be faithful. Don’t tell me Elin’s not a golddigger….what, she was in love with Tiger’s personality? What personality? He’s a piece of cardboard with a bitchy streak. She wanted the fame and the money, and if she didn’t understand what else comes along with being the spouse of someone so rich and famous, that’s her own ignorance to own. She is going to get paid…I don’t see why anyone feels sorry for her.

  3. It’s like Tiger hired Big John to be his press secretary.

    Goodshit.

    P.S. I predict Phil’s wife will be next to Tiger at the press conference. Just saying.

  4. Good piece, Jeff. That would have come off much more sincere and been more relevant than his actual statement.
    When do you think we, as a society, are going to finally come to the conclusion that monogamy isn’t for everybody?

  5. I don’t feel like Tiger owes the public an apology, a statement, or anything else.

    Tiger gained popularity because he’s a great golfer, not because of anything to do with his moral character.

    If we learn he has been using nuclear-powered golf clubs or sonic golf balls then, yes, some contrition would be nice. But unless you are one of Tiger’s close friends or family members, his sexual behavior should be completely irrelevant.

  6. Jason, it’s your Heavenly Father speaking again. Fame is Elin’s gold…the one thing she couldn’t buy with family money. The term applies the same. It’s why she married Tiger…or do you dispute me and assert that Tiger is so physically attractive and charistmatic with his speech that the prestige of being the wife of the world’s best golfer played no part in her decision? I made Tiger with the potential for great golf skills at the explicit expense of character, physical attractiveness, and personal integrity…there must be balance in all things. I made him the only child of a narcissistic slave driver of a father to deal with the potential impact of free will to my plan. I’m surprised I had to spell this out for you…after all, I made you pretty smart, didn’t I?

  7. It’s pieces like these that keep you among my ‘check without even realized you’ve typed in the address’ web site list.

    I tend to disagree with the majority of your political and theological opinions. I think you argue them fantastically, but still disagree. And then you drop golden nuggets like these. Bravo Mr. Pearlman. Bravo.

  8. Excellent post – I was making the same case in a conversation with my wife yesterday, but with your suggested statement for Tiger, you’ve summed up my feelings on this matter so much more effectively. I, too, enjoy my (multiple) daily visits to your site greatly.

  9. I read all of your articles Jeff, enjoy all of them but have never been moved to make a comment. This was spot on! Couldn’t agree more. Great job!

  10. LOVE the sentiment, but the statement should have gone as follows:

    “Family, friends, I SO appreciate you being here today to support me. And for everyone else who suppports me that could not be here today, I thank you for your well wishes.

    Everyone else…F@#K you.

    What I did if betwen me and Elin. Gets your rocks off somewhere else.

    Again, F@#K you.”

    Not pracical, for sure, but appropriate,

  11. Well, the inclusion of the “I will no longer do endorsements” line keeps this from being a *complete* fail, but it’s still a fail. Because if I were one of the people named at the end, I’d stand up and say, “Fine, Tiger. The minute I’m worth HALF A FUCKING BILLION DOLLARS you can come after me.”

    Any time any phony who’s made half a fucking billion dollars on the strength of playing a game and getting tons of endorsments based on a (fake) image gets taken down by the Enquirer, I, frankly, cheer.

    Tiger wants the media to get off his ass? Quit golf and give the money away. Especially the latter. He got filthy, obscenely rich based on his image (he earns far more from the endorsements than golf). No sympathy whatsoever for him.

    PLus, he had the opportunity to say “bite me” to the media, and he was doing it: stay hidden. The minute he decided to throw his little mea culpa party, he invited the media back in. Whose fault is that?

  12. Oh, please, Jeff. We had this conversation.

    It’s not the media’s fault that the public cares more about Tiger Woods’ sex life than it does 10-percent unemployment.

    Once again, someone who makes his living on sports bemoaning the fact that sports is a vital part of this culture.

    Having said that, I wish Tiger would have said:

    “Clearly, I’m not cut out to be a husband. I got married too young and to fulfill a corporate image. I am sorry I hurt Elin and she will be taken care of for the rest of her life.

    Now, I am going to screw anything that doesn’t run from me and if you don’t like it, bite me. If my sponsors don’t like it, I don’t care. The interest alone on what they already paid me will keep me happy.

Leave a Reply