Holy crap. Just sat through the two-hour finale of American Idol. Even The Wife, as positive a person as they come, thought the show sucked ass.
My Top 10 Worst Moments:
1. Paul Abdul rambling and rambling and rambling about Simon, until some wise producer drifted away and started up the video montage.
2. Lee DeWyze singing with Chicago. Try and imagine being a 14-year-old girl (the target audience) and watching tonight’s episode. “Mommy, are those Lee’s grandfathers?” So insanely lame.
3. All the female contestants joining together to sing their Christina Aguilera montage. Then—and this was priceless—Aguilera joining them for all of two verses before launching into a solo of her very, very, very bad new single. Having covered celebrities for years, I can assure you this statement was made by an Aguilera rep: “OK, Christina will appear with the contestants for eight-to-10 seconds, and no more. Then they will swiftly depart the stage. Afterward, you will have imported Chilean grapes, served at room temperature, with a fresh-squeezed glass of papaya-orange-mango juice.”
4. Crystal Bowersox performing “You Oughta Know” with Alanis Morisette and changing the line, “Will she go down on you in a theatre” to “Will she go with you to a theatre.”
5. Flippin’ hell, the five minutes of Hall & Oates was so awful, it hurt my stomach. I’m the world’s biggest H&O fan, but, man, absolutely dreadful. First time I’ve ever heard Daryl sound like such slop. And poor little Oates …
6. Six words: Kris Allen singing his new single.
7. Joe Cocker. First, he looked like a drunk senior citizen removed from three years of homelessness on the streets of Brooklyn. Then he forgot a line of a song he’s only performed 894,321 times. Said my wife: “I really hope he doesn’t die on stage.”
8. Janet Jackson jumping back and forth from singing to mouthing to singing to mouthing, while wearing George Clooney’s rejected outfit from Batman Forever.
9. The 8,000 tributes to Simon. Yeah, he made the show. And yeah, it’s gonna be a fierce plummet without him. But enough is enough.
10. The warm drool running down my cheek as the words, “Your new American Idol is …” startled me from my sleep. For the second-straight year, the fans picked the person with the lesser talent. Not that it matters. Because I have a book to write. And a shower to take. And my toenails are too long. And …