JEFF PEARLMAN

Coming October 2022: "The Last Folk Hero: The Life and Myth of Bo Jackson"

Piss

filty-bathroom-floor

Just went to the bathroom here at Starbucks.

Ew.

Why is it that men piss on the floor? The bowl/urinal is right there in front of us. We certainly possess the physical abilities and mental know-how to step up close and urinate directly into the intended target. But we don’t. Ever. Someone dribbled a dollop of piss on the floor, we step back. The next guy adds a little more liquid, she step back and wide. Soon enough we’re standing next to Lake Michigan, just hoping 21.5% of our urine reaches the bowl.

Well, I’m taking a pledge. For now on, I will pee on point. My urine will flow freely into the toilet/urinal, no matter what rests below. I will piss as the greats once did; George Washington and Thomas Jefferson; FDR and JFK. I assure you, such historical figures didn’t damn the system by dribbling on the floor.

Join me, my fellow men! Join me!

PS: True story—if I’m at someone’s house, and I use the bathroom, and I see piss on the floor, or dried onto the bowl, I clean it up. Always. Not for any civic decency—I just don’t want people thinking it was me.