Over at Deadspin, Drew Magary wrote an ode to LeBron. The title: LeBron James Is A Cocksucker.
I’m not saying the guy’s a cocksucker. But Drew’s on point. Here’s what he wrote:
Tomorrow is the day LeBron James becomes the most unlikable person in the NBA, and perhaps all of American sports. I used to think he was okay a year ago. No more. He’s the villain now.
It doesn’t matter where he opts to go. If he goes to Chicago, he’s a cocksucker. If he goes to Miami, he’s a cocksucker. Even if he goes back to Cleveland, he’s a goddamn cocksucker. He’s a self-aggrandizing sack of shit, and ESPN is a bunch of pussy-whipped enablers for giving him a free hour of airtime tomorrow night and inevitably using 55 minutes of it to let Stu Scott give him a rimjob.
Look at what Kevin Durant did today. He signed an extension well before he could have filed for free agency, announced the signing, and then went back about his business. He didn’t need all this dog-and-pony show bullshit. James does, and that means he’s a dipshit. People have been kissing this man’s ass SINCE FUCKING MIDDLE SCHOOL, and he still needs this hourlong AFI tribute special? Bullshit. BULLSHIT.
And I don’t care that he asked ESPN to use the commercial airtime tomorrow night to go to charity. That’s the most transparent use of charity for the sake of self-glorification I’ve seen since I saw some actor do it yesterday. “Hey ESPN, why don’t you spend an hour kissing my ass? Oh, don’t worry. We’ll give the money to AIDS babies. That totally makes me selfless.” No, it doesn’t.
And FUCK YOU to ESPN for going along with this “Bonds on Bonds” redux. If an ESPN reporter found concrete proof tomorrow morning that James was going to Cleveland or somewhere else, do you think ESPN would let him run with it? FUCK AND NO. They’d stick him in a fucking Lucite box and throw him in the cellar until 10PM. They’re the whoringest whores that have ever whored. I heard they offered LeBron’s crew free blowjobs if he wins a title next year. Wilbon asked to blow him JUST A LITTLE BIT. Not much. Just a little bit.
LeBron is now the guy you openly root against. If he leaves Cleveland tomorrow night, he’ll have needlessly strung along an entire fanbase and given them the middle finger by making their breakup spectacularly public. If he stays, he’ll have spent two years cockteasing the rest of the world about going somewhere else when he probably never wanted to leave Ohio to begin with. There’s no end result tomorrow that makes LeBron a sympathetic figure. He’s already gone past the point of no return. He’s a cocksucker. Fitting that his most memorable career moment will come when he doesn’t even take a fucking shot. He’s a guy that cares more about the end result of playing basketball – massive, unending adulation – than he does actual basketball.
I don’t begrudge him that attitude. I’d be the same way if I were a basketball player. All I’d give a shit about would be what I make and where I’m drinking tonight. And I don’t begrudge him the right to play somewhere other than Cleveland. It’s Cleveland. It blows. There’s nothing to do in that town except masturbate and cry. But there’s a normal way of doing things, and there’s the dick way of doing things, and making your own free agency a two-year drama capped off with an infomercial directed by Senor Spielbergo falls squarely in the purview of FLAMING FUCKING DICK MOVES. James is trying to bullshit the world into believing this whole process is some great entertainment he’s lavishing upon you. It’s not. It’s a con. Right now, a lot of people aren’t buying the shit this man is selling. And really, that’s all LeBron James is these days: a fucking salesman.
Send an email to Drew Magary, the author of this post, at email@example.com.