Celebrity Crush


I know many couples, and most have some sort of fictional agreement about which celebrity their spouse can have sex with. Meaning, you’re not allowed to sexually stray. Ever, ever, ever. But … in the case you meet Marion Ross, go crazy.

I’ve had celebrity crushes, just like the next guy. A pre-crack Whitney Houston. Like every boy of my era, Danica McKellar (aka Winnie Cooper) from The Wonder Years. Halle Berry, certainly. Haven’t had one in quite a while, however, until last night, when the wife and I and two friends saw Cyrus*, starring John C. Riley, Jonah Hill and—hubba-hubba—Marisa Tomei.

Now, to be honest, I can’t really call my dear Marisa a crush, because I was once told by one of her former publicists that she’s not especially friendly, and a little bit insane. But, on the assumption that the publicist was just bitter, I’ll say that I love Marisa Tomei. A. She’s almost always in excellent movies; B. She’s a terrific actress; C. She started off in A Different World; D. Did you see her in The Wrestler?

Really, did you?

My wife likes Denzel Washington. Thinks he’s handsome and dapper and all-around delectable. So, were the chance to arise, would I trade her a night with Denzel for a night with Tomei?

No. Way. In. Hell.

I digress. Sitting across from me as I write this is Jessica Guggenheimer, my lovely 21-year-old sister in law and an expert in all fields. I asked if she had a celebrity crush, and when she awkwardly replied, “Dave Matthews” I sort of recoiled. Dave Matthews? Really? But then young Jessica said something that makes perfect sense—”Talent is sexy.” Which is it.

Here’s our Q&A, inspired by the smell of salty Cosi bread:

Q: Does your boyfriend Chris have a celebrity crush?

A: Yeah—Heidi Klum.

Q: So if Chris had sex with Heidi Klum, would you be upset?

A: No, I wouldn’t.

Q: Really?

A: Really. Because I know it will never happen.

Q: What if it does?

A: Then good for him. Because it’ll make me feel like I picked the right guy.

Q: How is that?

A: If Heidi Klum thinks Chris is hot, I picked well.

Q: Isn’t Dave Matthews sort of … frumpy?

A: He’s so amazing. But let’s change it. I know it’s cliche to pick Brad Pitt, but Brad Pitt is so hot.

Q: I think he looks like a monkey. Especially in Meet Joe Black.

A: No he doesn’t. I also love Bradley Cooper. I have a crush on him, too. I would go home with Bradley Cooper. And Chris wouldn’t mind. Because I’d let him have Heidi Klum.

Q: Didn’t you have a crush on Jesse McCartney?

A: That was my worst crush. I was a teenager. I went crazy. I had his pictures, I went to his concert. He used to live [in the next town over] and people said he’d go to a certain restaurant to eat. I’d go there, hoping to see him. But he never came.

Q: Do you still like him?

A: No. I don’t even know what he’s in.

Q: What do you think about Marisa Tomei?

A: I think she’s hot. She had a rocking body in The Wrestler. She’s awesome.

Q: Do you think she’d come home with me?

A: No.

* Writer’s note: Cyrus—A disappointing film. I had extremely high hopes, and it sort of plodded along. Tomei, however, was terrific.

17 thoughts on “Celebrity Crush”

  1. There was an episode of Friends wrapped around this idea. Isabella Rossellini shows up in their coffee shop, and as she was on Ross’s list of “five celebrities I am allowed to sleep with, Rachel gives him the go-ahead to go over and put the moves on her.

  2. Carl… wasn’t Dorothy Hamil (ice skater) also on that list??

    Jeff… can you direct me to Catherine’s blog page…I need to hear her side of these conversations…

    btw…Marisa was great in Wild Hogs..ur right great movie!! 🙂

  3. I have an Angelina Jolie understanding…so does my wife.

    To our knowledge Ms. Jolie is not aware of this understanding, which presents an issue beyond the geographical, socio-economical, and logistical issues.

  4. Jeff – Do yourself a favor and watch Before the Devil Knows You’re Dead, with Marisa Tomei, Philip Seymour Hoffman, Albert Finney, and Ethan Hawke. Great movie (Sidney Lumet directed), though I’m sure the beginning will be your favorite part.

  5. hm, i dunno… marisa tomei is absofreakinfantastic in that scene matty is talking about… not so much the other half tho… knowhatimsayin guys?

    bit of a non sequitur but you should watch ‘the kids are all right.’ (marisa tomei is not in it, im just making a movie rec). its playing at art house theatres in the city… for lack of a lesser hoity-toity sounding phrase.

  6. Jeff

    I dated Marisa when we were both in high school. I was a year older than her. She was sweet and caring, and a bit clingy. You somehow find a way to consistently offend me, but I love the blog. U da Mandingo!


  7. I found Aaron to be a bit aloof and frankly a little too easily offended. Also, he used terms like “U da Mandingo!”

  8. Jeff – you use the newest trite phrase “Really” way too much. It’s the 2010’s version of “Like” or “For Sure” so you know. So I guess your a Valley Girl haha.

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