I know many couples, and most have some sort of fictional agreement about which celebrity their spouse can have sex with. Meaning, you’re not allowed to sexually stray. Ever, ever, ever. But … in the case you meet Marion Ross, go crazy.
I’ve had celebrity crushes, just like the next guy. A pre-crack Whitney Houston. Like every boy of my era, Danica McKellar (aka Winnie Cooper) from The Wonder Years. Halle Berry, certainly. Haven’t had one in quite a while, however, until last night, when the wife and I and two friends saw Cyrus*, starring John C. Riley, Jonah Hill and—hubba-hubba—Marisa Tomei.
Now, to be honest, I can’t really call my dear Marisa a crush, because I was once told by one of her former publicists that she’s not especially friendly, and a little bit insane. But, on the assumption that the publicist was just bitter, I’ll say that I love Marisa Tomei. A. She’s almost always in excellent movies; B. She’s a terrific actress; C. She started off in A Different World; D. Did you see her in The Wrestler?
Really, did you?
My wife likes Denzel Washington. Thinks he’s handsome and dapper and all-around delectable. So, were the chance to arise, would I trade her a night with Denzel for a night with Tomei?
No. Way. In. Hell.
I digress. Sitting across from me as I write this is Jessica Guggenheimer, my lovely 21-year-old sister in law and an expert in all fields. I asked if she had a celebrity crush, and when she awkwardly replied, “Dave Matthews” I sort of recoiled. Dave Matthews? Really? But then young Jessica said something that makes perfect sense—”Talent is sexy.” Which is it.
Here’s our Q&A, inspired by the smell of salty Cosi bread:
Q: Does your boyfriend Chris have a celebrity crush?
A: Yeah—Heidi Klum.
Q: So if Chris had sex with Heidi Klum, would you be upset?
A: No, I wouldn’t.
A: Really. Because I know it will never happen.
Q: What if it does?
A: Then good for him. Because it’ll make me feel like I picked the right guy.
Q: How is that?
A: If Heidi Klum thinks Chris is hot, I picked well.
Q: Isn’t Dave Matthews sort of … frumpy?
A: He’s so amazing. But let’s change it. I know it’s cliche to pick Brad Pitt, but Brad Pitt is so hot.
Q: I think he looks like a monkey. Especially in Meet Joe Black.
A: No he doesn’t. I also love Bradley Cooper. I have a crush on him, too. I would go home with Bradley Cooper. And Chris wouldn’t mind. Because I’d let him have Heidi Klum.
Q: Didn’t you have a crush on Jesse McCartney?
A: That was my worst crush. I was a teenager. I went crazy. I had his pictures, I went to his concert. He used to live [in the next town over] and people said he’d go to a certain restaurant to eat. I’d go there, hoping to see him. But he never came.
Q: Do you still like him?
A: No. I don’t even know what he’s in.
Q: What do you think about Marisa Tomei?
A: I think she’s hot. She had a rocking body in The Wrestler. She’s awesome.
Q: Do you think she’d come home with me?
* Writer’s note: Cyrus—A disappointing film. I had extremely high hopes, and it sort of plodded along. Tomei, however, was terrific.