JEFF PEARLMAN

Coming October 2022: "The Last Folk Hero: The Life and Myth of Bo Jackson"

Batman is a fraud

So my son Emmett recently had his 4th birthday party, and the theme was Batman.

The boy is all about the Dark Knight lately, which is cool and great and neat. Batman was dark, Batman was brooding, Batman kicked ass and smacked around the Joker.

And yet, the more I’m exposed to Batman, the less impressed I find myself. Or, to put it differently: Superman was born on Krypton. He flew millions of miles to earth, and draws his powers from the sun. The Flash was a scientist who gained crazy speed when a lightning bolt struck his lab. The Hulk was also a scientist who, after being exposed to gamma rays, gained superior strength. The Green Lantern has a ring that provides him with myriad gifts. Spiderman was bit by a radioactive spider. Wonder Woman is an Amazon with super strength and speed. Fuck, even the damn Wonder Twins can turn themselves into a donkey and the shape of an ice cube.

Batman is just a dude. He can’t fly. He bleeds. His muscles can shrivel. He’ll get old and eventually die. Were he to fight any superhero, he’d pretty much get his ass kicked from Mahopac to Montreal. The guy wears a cape and can’t even fly.

What a waste.