The best e-mail of all times

Received this today from someone named Derek. As an ugly, balding, talent-deprived writer whose face is an example of a “genetic disorder that borders on the Hapsburgs Empire,” (admittedly, a great line), I cry, “Guilty!” to all charges.

I actually thought the e-mail was insanely well-written, and the point is a fair one (How is it OK for you to rip others? And how does it feel if I rip you?)

That said, he might take it a wee bit far …

message: I find it incredibly amusing that someone who hasn’t played a moment of professional anything has the balls to write a completely uninspired article on bad players in the NFL. You write for the sport that has clouded itself in a shroud of dishonor with steroids, yet will comment on an entirely different sport. You’re balding, your face is an example of a genetic disorder that borders the Hapsburgs Empire. What happens when your children grow up to sprout your ungodly horrid looks and they get placed on the List of 100 People Whose Parents Shouldn’t Have Had Sex? Because, based on your features, that is obviously going to happen. What will you do when a pack of jackals decides to rape you from the inside out, instead of eating you, because you resemble their pack leader more than a tasty human? It’s taken me a matter of moments to not only degrade you, but your family as well, and just like how you know nothing about these people, I know nothing about you. It’s easy to be a complete and total tool behind a keyboard. I hope any of these on this list not only find you, but knock some teeth out of your skull. I’m not sure if you have a full set of teeth since I can’t find a picture of you smiling. Like your genetic warped face, your teeth are also probably terrible. You are a disgrace to sports, writing, and the human race. The only difference is people won’t get to read this while they mistakenly may read your article on how to be a complete perineum while making loads of money. Jeff Pearlman – the biggest piece of shit since my last flush.

5 thoughts on “The best e-mail of all times”

  1. “You write for the sport that has clouded itself in a shroud of dishonor with steroids, yet will comment on an entirely different sport.”

    It took me a moment to realize that when he wrote “a sport that has clouded itself in a shroud of dishonor with steroids,” he was referring to baseball and not football.

    That said, can we PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE stop pretending that there is not and has never been a drug problem in sports?

    Baseball gets all the slag from it because its not America’s game. People don’t want to hear about steroids in the NFL, because they love it too much. But for Christ’s sake, stop being so naive, folks.

  2. I still don’t understand why people insult your family. If whomever is writing the e-mail (or is it whoever) is mad about something you wrote, why insult someone peripheral to you? Did your wife or kids help you write the article or column? No. So why take it so personally? Weird.

    And I know people are “passionate” about sports (read: insane), but why not refute what was written? If you wrote a column saying how Roberto Alomar doesn’t belong in the Hall Of Fame, or Roy Halladay was overrated, or Steve Bartman is ultimately the one responsible for the 2003 Cubs demise, I would write you an e-mail pointing out where I think you missed the boat, so to speak. Insulting your writing ability, looks, and family ultimately undermines any point you might be trying to make.

  3. He’s a douche bag – involving your family is wrong. Funny how he hid behind a keyboard while attempting to insult you – what a coward/dickhead.

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