Gregg Doyel is a columnist for CBS Sports’ website. I’m not sure how, or why, but he is.
This was the opening from his latest piece:
Some day, if I play my cards right, I will be granted a Heisman vote. Such a responsibility is given only to the few, the proud, the douchebag.
Well, it was given to six douchebags. The six who have grandstanded their way into the Cam Newton story
Who do you think you are? And I’m talking to all six of you, two of whom I know well, and like very much. This doesn’t change anything for me, Mike Bianchi or David Whitley. Still love you guys. But this decision of yours, this holier-than-thou proclamation to protect the integrity of the Heisman, makes me want to vomit.
If you read this blog, you know I like to bellow. I do so because, simply, this is the place to do it. I only represent myself, and—just being honest—I started this blog as a place to vent freely. That people choose to read it is an absolute blessing, and I’m thankful beyond belief. But, come day’s end, it’s my little spot to whine.
Doyel, on the other hand, is a columnist. Even if, in this case, he’s “technically” writing for the CBS Sports blog—it’s still a column. And a place that pays his salary. Columnists are, generally speaking, paid to make wise and reasoned and nuanced arguments. Do we always succeed? Certainly not—just look at my stuff from si.com and espn.com, and you’ll be able to pick out a good ol’ heaping of flops. But to begin a piece with the sentence: “Some day, if I play my cards right, I will be granted a Heisman vote. Such a responsibility is given only to the few, the proud, the douchebag.”—well, it’s just a pathetic and lazy effort from a man holding a hammer. (Really, he’s holding a hammer.). Are there no editors at CBS? No veterans willing to say, “Eh, that’s not so great”?
I have no reason to think Doyel isn’t a nice guy, and certainly he knows how to piece together sentences. But his general print tone is that of a loudmouthed announcer—I’LL SCREAM LOUDER THAN THE OTHER GUY, AND THEREFORE I’LL WIN!!!!!! SEE, I’M SCREAMING!!! I CAN’T HEAR YOU!!!! LA LA LA LA LA LA LA!!!!!