Memo to Panera: It’s December 26

Memo to Panera: It’s December 26. Christmas is over. You can stop playing the same crappy songs we’ve all been subjected to for the last (Dear God) six weeks. Seriously, enough Winter Wonderland. No more Jingle Bells. Please, let’s return to the lame elevator music of yesteryear. Which, while sucking, didn’t completely rot my brain.

For a spell, I like Christmas music. For a spell. But not today. Today, the world bombards our malls and WallMarts to get 70 percent off plastic devices we never had any use for to begin with. Today isn’t about holiday music or turkey or a tree. Today is about greed. Dirty, filthy, I-need-that-XBox greed. The sort of greed that makes America tick.

So, seriously, turn off Frosty the Snowman before I take a pistol to my temple.

I beg you.