Rick Santorum: Please run for president

Anyone who reads this blog knows how I feel about Mitt Romney and Sarah Palin and Michele (My Heads Spins 360-degrees) Bachmann and the rest of those wacky Republicans.

But if there is one presumptive GOP presidential candidate I really love, it’s Rick Santorum, former senator from the great state of Pennsylvania. Why do I love Rick? Let me count the ways …

1. Sarah Palin is full of shit. Rick Santorum is not full of shit—he actually believes what he says. Which is why the above video is so wonderful. Rick doesn’t get how any black person can be pro-choice. He just doesn’t get it. Now, Palin might accidentally say something of this ilk, but only because she mis-read the speech her handler wrote. Santorum, blessed with a puritanical mind, just believes. He believes, he believes, he believes …

2. Michele Bachmann is crazy. Rick Santorum is not crazy—he’s devoutly, devoutly religious, and had his brain infected by the Jesus Virus. Which means everything he says can be proven by the Bible, which can prove everything, which means everything Rick says is Biblically, factually, 100 percent righteous and correct. Uh, yeah. He’s crazy.

3. Mitt Romney changes his positions every other day. Rick Santorum does not—ever. When he says evolution is crap, evolution is crap. When he says Noah loaded the ol’ arc with pairs of animals, hey, big ups to Noah. This would be Rick’s best quality, were he not utterly wrong on everything.

So, please, Rick, run for president. Win the nomination.

God wants you to.

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