Sarah Palin bids farewell

OK, OK—Sarah Palin has not bid farewell.

But I’m bidding farewell to Sarah Palin.

It’s come to my realization over the past couple of days that Palin absolutely will not run for president. The reason: She can’t win. I mean, I used to think, “Maybe she can’t win” or “She probably can’t win.” But now I realize, she can’t win. Like, no chance. Like, if I ran against Palin right now, I beat her.

It comes down to the fact that she’s just not a serious candidate. There are too many bones in her closet; too many embarrassing moments and verbal flubs and gushers of pure stupidity. Will she want her fraud marriage exposed? Will she want people digging through her profits from the past few years? Millions upon millions of dollars. What about the fact that she quit her job as governor? How’s that gonna play out?

Not well.

Hence, here’s my first list of the Top 5 Most Likely People to be the GOP candidate in 2012:

1. Mitch Daniels, Indiana: Has universal appeal, and actually seems interested in (gasp) governing.

2. Mitt Romney, Mass.: Looks and sounds like Ronald Reagan. In fact, he is a robot.

3. Haley Barbour, Mississippi: Not the prettiest man to look at, but maybe that unpolished thing will go over well.

4. Newt Gingrich: Hard to fathom, but he has an excellent grasp of policy matters.

5. Bobby Jindal: Says he has no interest. I’m skeptical.