JEFF PEARLMAN

Coming October 2022: "The Last Folk Hero: The Life and Myth of Bo Jackson"

If only …

So it turns out that Brandon Davies, the BYU center, was suspended from the basketball team for the remainder of the season because he violated the school’s honor code by engaging in premarital sex.

In other words, I went to the wrong college.

At the University of Delaware, I’m pretty sure the basketball players were required to have sex. With everyone. And everything. That moved. Which made me ineligible to play for the team, or even serve as its manager or towel boy. However, I would have been a star at BYU. No sex? Crap, I just wanted to kiss a girl.

Now starting, for your Cougars, a 6-2 forward from Maaaaahopac, N.Y., Jefffffff ….

Many conservative sorts will admire BYU for upholding their prinicples. I get that. But what if your principles are just plain stupid? Somewhere on Planet Guubdbjsq in the Quad 5 Galaxy, a bunch of Guubdbjsq-ians are watching us through an enormous telescope. They see the oceans heating up, the glaciers melting, war in the Middle East, corruption on Wall Street, buffoons calling the shots …

… and, in Guubjab, the official language of Guubdbjsq, they’re saying to themselves, “This guy got kicked off his basketball team for snagging a li’l somethin’ somethin’?”

I agree.