For Tiki Barber, there is good news and there is bad news.
The good news: According to my source, at least 15 different NFL teams have already offered Tiki Barber a contract for next season.
The bad news: My source is Norma, my dog.
The good news: Though I struggle to understand the language of the American Cockapoo, Norma definitely might have said, “Fifteen different NFL teams have already offered Tiki Barber a contract for next season.”
The bad news: Because I struggle to understand the language of the American Cockapoo, Norma probably said, “Please refill my water bowl as I scratch myself.”
The good news: There will definitely be suitors.
The bad news: The UFL only has five teams.
The good news: Barber is coming off of a season in which he rushed for 1,662 yards and caught 58 passes for 465 yards.
The bad news: George W. Bush was still president, and bread was a dime a loaf.
The good news: Tiki Barber is well rested.
The bad news: So is my grandma. She’s been dead for 11 years.
The good news: Of all the available 36-year-old halfbacks, Tiki Barber is the absolute best.
The bad news: Of all the available 36-year-old halfbacks, Tiki Barber is also the absolute worst.
The good news: Tiki Barber will almost certainly insist to the world that he’s more motivated than ever before; that he’s coming back to win a Super Bowl and that he’s been thinking long and hard about returning to the sport he loves.
The bad news: Tiki Barber won’t be more motivated than ever before. In the most transparent sports transaction since Rafael Palmeiro’s retirement from baseball, Barber is clearly coming back because, well, what else is there? His once-promising TV career is dead. His once-heartwarming marriage is dead. He ditched his pregnant wife for a 23-year-old intern, he’s allegedly broke and he was last seen waiting on line for free pancakes at a pre-Super Bowl event. Things are not going well.
The good news: Comebacks sometimes work. Ryne Sandberg was still a solid second baseman when he returned to the Cubs in 1996. Sugar Ray Leonand, three years removed from his last fight, shocked Marvin Hagler in 1987. Dara Torres, age 41, won a silver medal in the 50m freestyle in the last Olympics. George Foreman became heavyweight champion at 45. And, uh, yeah, eh … other people … sorta, too. Yeah.
The bad news: Jim Palmer. Mark Spitz. Lyle Alzado. Bjorn Borg. Bill Johnson. Jose Canseco. Mike Tyson. Dennis Rodman. Oil Can Boyd. Kevin Willis. Katarina Witt. Oksana Baiul. Alan Jones. Scottie Pippen.
The good news: Tiki Barber can turn to the movies for inspiration. In Rocky, a million-to-one shot overcomes to odds to become a champ.
The bad news: Tiki Barber can turn to the movies for reality: In Everybody’s All-American, a has-been halfback signs with the Denver Broncos when nothing in his life seems to be going right. He gets his butt kicks, suffers a concussion and is benched for Rob Lytle.
The good news: If this doesn’t work out, Tiki Barber can always return to TV.
The bad news: Any gig would likely involve traveling through the Sahara with Dustin Diamond, a one-eyed dog and enough water for three days.
The good news: Tiki Barber is definitely not the most disgraced public figure in America.
The bad news: We’ve begun to tire of Charlie Sheen.