Mark Oxner: A special man

It takes a special man to make a political advertisement this bad.

Actually, scratch that. It takes a special ad company (or, perhaps, 18-year old) to make a political advertisement this bad. It takes a special man to approve it—and use it.

That special man is Mark Oxner. And here’s his ad …

This is not to say Oxner isn’t a good guy, or even a worthy candidate. But this ad is so beyond shitty, it’s shittalicious. And I’m not the only one to think so. That said, Oxner has “28 years of business experience,” including, uh, serving as, eh … well … hmm … the vice president of a, eh, bank. Which is sort of a weird thing to be trumpeting, considering banks have often doubled as satan over the past decade.

But, alas, I digress. As I write this I am reading Oxner’s website, which actually sucks about as much as the ad itself. It seems either Mark Oxner designed the site himself, or paid the world’s least-qualified web designer to handle the task. Either way, as a voter I find this significantly more disconcerting than the sight of an African-American president piloting what appears to be a slave ship. For if Mark Oxner doesn’t even know how to put together a friggin’ website, how the hell can he handle government?

And while I’m on the subject, enough with the patriotic biographies. Mark worked his way through college as a pipe fitter. Mark’s grandparents were sharecroppers in the backwoods of Mississippi. Mark’s wife, the regrettably named Amparo, is the daughter of very religious people. Now cue Lee Greenwood’s one hit, and we’re money.

It’s only January, and I’m already tired of this garbage. Tell me your ideas, tell me why I should vote for you and, if you wouldn’t mind, remind me again why a guy who laid pipe to get through college seems to have no interest in helping the poor.

Then I’ll listen.