JEFF PEARLMAN

Coming October 2022: "The Last Folk Hero: The Life and Myth of Bo Jackson"

The worst song ever

You ever have something in your head (a song; a movie; a moment) that seems so incredibly great and awesome and lovely … and then, one day, you realize it actually sucks?

Tonight, that happened to me.

As a teenager, I was a huge fan of the original Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles movie. It initially hit theatres in the summer of 1989, when I was 17. Admittedly, 17 might seem a tad old for such a film—but I absolutely loved it. The writers and director clearly were in on the joke, and were fully aware they had to wink and chuckle at the ludicrousness of the premise. Indeed, even watching the film with my two kids earlier this evening, I truly enjoyed it.

And yet …

At 17, I recall absolutely loving the film’s theme song, a rap called “Turtle Power” that was performed by a duo called “Partners n Kryme.” The tune stuck in my head; a seemingly revolutionary introduction to hip-hop that would propel the artists toward musical greatness.

Or, ahem, not.

Tonight, I heard “Turtle Power” for the first time in at least a decade. And, man, is it ever awful. My daughter actually asked, “Is that an 80-year-old man singing?” The verses are ludicrous, the beat elemental, the concept cookie cutter. Why, it might even be worse than … this …

Nah.