I have yet to see Hansel and Gretel: Witch Hunters, which opens in nationwide theatres today.
However, I know one thing—it blows.
How can a man make such a judgment without having actually watched the flick? Allow me to count the ways …
1. This notice, which appeared on the bottom of page C8 of the New York Times. High-quality flicks always make themselves available for reviewers. Always. That’s how buzz is generated—for viewers, for awards. When your product is shit, the last thing you want are words like “awful” and “cause me to vomit, then eat my vomit and vomit again” to appear in reviews.
2. The date—January 25. With rare exception, good movies don’t come out a month after Christmas. Scratch that—good movies (unless they’re low-budget indies made in Daiji Takamori’s basement) never come out a month after Christmas. A. Because people flock to films in the weeks leading up to the holidays; B. Because you missed the deadline for awards.
3. Hansel and Gretel: Witch Hunters, stars Jeremy Renner, an OK supporting actor, and Gemme Arterton, the proverbial “newcomer” who actually has the rare resume booster of appearing in back-to-back busts of monumental bustitute. First, Clash of the Titans. Then, Prince of Persia: The Sands of Time. Arterton seems to be ideal for this role, because she’s dressed in lots of leather and 14-year-old boys will repeatedly pleasure themselves to her image. A fine film, though, this does not make.
4. It’s a “spin” on Hansel and Gretel.
5. The above video. “I was attracted to the story because of the brother-sister dynamic,” says Renner, which translates to, “Look, it was two months of work, I got paid about $2 mill—what the hell was I supposed to do? Wait around for another Avengers so I can be the 12th wheel? And lord knows they weren’t bringing me back for Bourne after that stinker. So, hey, this movie sucks. I know that, you know that. But she’s sorta hot, and we both dress in cool outfits. Now can I please have a cigarette?”