I would love to run into Barry Bonds

Where you at?

Where you at?

Actually, I wouldn’t just love to run into Barry Bonds. I would love for Barry Bonds to need something from me. A ride. A pen. A hamburger.

I’d love for Barry Bonds—who now looks to be about the same size as most sports journalists—to ask me for something. I’m not a vengeful person. Really, I’m not. I rarely hold grudges. My memory is pretty short. But if Bonds were to ask me for a pen, I’d pretend I didn’t hear him. Literally, I wouldn’t respond. He’d raise his voice and ask again, and I’d swivel my chair in a different direction. I’d kick my feet up, turn on the television, behave as if he didn’t exist.

Or, maybe I’d just keep him waiting. I’d know he needed a ride; that he really, really, really, really had to be somewhere 10 minutes ago, and I’m the only dude with car. But I’d pretend I was unaware of his plight. I’d sit in my chair and clip my nails and flick some dried skin off my arm and pretend to read a magazine. I’d make him stand and stand and stand and stand until he’d whisper, “So … can I maybe have a ride?” Then I’d ignore him some more, just … because. I’d ignore and ignore and ignore, kick my feet up, turn some pages in the magazine, ignore, ignore.

Ultimately, I’d rise and retreat to the Pearlman-only bathroom area.

And Barry Bonds–artificial superpowers gone, pipe-cleaner arms—would know how it felt to be a member of the San Francisco media during his reign of jerkitude.

Ah, to dream …

11 thoughts on “I would love to run into Barry Bonds”

  1. Sports Illustrated absolutely vilified him and tried to find out where he lives so they can beat their beloved deadline. It’s hard to argue that anyone else in his position would help the media out after they all were out to get him.

  2. Seriously dude, this was a waste of time. I’m upset I read this. I will not get that time back. You like many lame brained people out there, try to blame Bonds for the entire steroids era. Our best estimate is that something near 1/4 – 1/3 of all baseball players were cheating during that time. Bonds was just the best player of his era, possibly the greatest player of all time. You, however, are just an impotent, pathetic fool. Bonds deserves criticism for his steroid use, just stop channeling all you hatred of the steroid era on him. It makes you look ignorant.

  3. I’m no Barry Bonds fan but this is about as bad as any “sports” writing I’ve ever seen. A sportswriter’s ego is not an interesting topic. Wish I could unclick the link that sent me here.

  4. Jeff,

    Just thought I should let you know that I completely agree with you.

    Baseball would have been better without Barry Bonds, and for that matter, Mark McGuire, Sammy Sosa, Rafael Palmeiro, Gary Sheffield, Alex Rodriguez, and how can I forget, Alex Ramirez.

    There are so many more I could name. That would be great. We could just sit here at our keyboards naming guys. One after the next. This would show the world what bad people they were and how they ruined baseball.

    By the way, I am currently a fashion writer at the Tennessean, how do I get a gig with SI from here?


    Your Number One Fan

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