Heaven is For Real (Dear God, nooooo)

In case you’ve missed it, a new movie is coming out that will inevitably make millions of dollars and have Sean Hannity quite happy. It’s called, “Heaven is For Real,” and tells the “true” story of a little boy who died, visited heaven, then came back to life and told his folks everything that happened. Jesus, naturally, was there, as were a bunch of glowing, happy people.

Best of all, according to the above trailer, Great Grandpa was in heaven. Which got me thinking about my own inevitable death and, perhaps, inevitable visit to heaven, where Grandma and Grandpa and all my relatives apparently await. Which sounds great—for about six minutes.

Here’s how it goes:

Scene: Jeff gets hit by a bus. Everyone’s grossed out, but he’s OK. He floats to heaven on a cloud, and is overtaken by love and happiness …

Jeff: “Wow! I’m here! I’m in heaven! This is terrific! Wait … Grandma Marta … is, is, is … that you?”

Grandma Marta: “Yes, Jeffrey. Come give me a hug.”

Jeff: “Grandma, it’s amazing to see you. You’ve been dead since 1999 …”

Grandma Marta: “I’m here. In heaven. And now we’ll be together for eternity.”

Jeff: “Wow.”

Grandma Marta: “Would you like some apple cake? I just baked it.”

Jeff: “No thanks, Grandma. I’m not really hungry.”

Grandma Marta: “Don’t be silly. Sit down. Eat.”

Jeff: “Really, I’m not hungry.”

Grandma Marta: “Please, eat something.”

Jeff: “It’s OK. I’m not hungry.”

Grandma Marta: “Don’t be silly. Sit down. Eat.”

Jeff: “Really, I’m not hungry.”

Grandma Marta: “Please, eat something.”

Jeff: “It’s OK. I’m not hungry.”

Grandma Marta: “Don’t be silly. Sit down. Eat.”

Jeff: “Really, I’m not hungry.”

Grandma Marta: “Please, eat something.”

Jeff: “It’s OK. I’m not hungry.”

Grandma Marta: “Don’t be silly. Sit down. Eat.”

Jeff: “Really, I’m not hungry.”

Grandma Marta: “Please, eat something.”

Jeff: “It’s OK. I’m not hungry.”

Grandma Marta: “Don’t be silly. Sit down. Eat.”

Jeff: “Really, I’m not hungry.”

Grandma Marta: “Please, eat something.”

Jeff: “It’s OK. I’m not hungry.”

Grandma Marta: “Don’t be silly. Sit down. Eat.”

Jeff: “Really, I’m not hungry.”

Grandma Marta: “Please, eat something.”

Jeff: “It’s OK. I’m not hungry.”

Grandma Marta: “Don’t be silly. Sit down. Eat.”

Jeff: “Really, I’m not hungry.”

Grandma Marta: “Please, eat something.”

Jeff: “It’s OK. I’m not hungry.”

Grandma Marta: “Don’t be silly. Sit down. Eat.”

Jeff: “Fuck. What time is it?”

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