Ted Cruz vs. anyone

(from left) Melido, Rocky, Ted, John. Who would you vote for?
(from left) Melido, Rocky, Ted, John. Who would you vote for?

It’s pretty thrilling, the news that Ted Cruz—Republican senator from (the mostly awful state of) Texas and all-around awesome dude—is going to announce his presidential candidacy on Monday. Cruz is a man of principle, which makes him quite interesting. Because principle, merged with arrogance and raw stupidity, is both entertaining and dangerous.

In case you don’t know, Cruz is the man who led that lovely government shutdown in 2013. He’s also the man who does not believe in climate change, does not support gay rights, had this beauty of an exchange about NASA, trusts nothing related to science and feels—even in the case of rape—a woman should not be allowed to abort. Oh, he also recently urged Americans to fight to “repeal” the Common Core—which makes no sense, because the Common Core is not a federal law.

I’m not just saying this for drama: Ted Cruz is the absolute worst political figure in America. The worst. And most Republicans seem to agree—especially the moderate ones who see him as a pain-in-the-ass showman. Which he is.

So, with that in mind, I offer my official list—25 People I’d Vote for in a Presidential Election Before Ted Cruz …

1. John Edwards: And I abhor John Edwards. He’s the scummiest of scumbags, and unworthy of collecting my garbage. But I’d take him over Ted Cruz.

2. Barry Bonds: And I abhor Barry Bonds, too. Bad guy. But smart. Unlike Ted Cruz.

3. Enrique Iglesies: Not a fan. But better than Ted Cruz.

4. George W. Bush: My all-time, all-time least-favorite president. But a decent guy with what seems to be a human being’s heart. Better than Cruz.

5. Donald Rumsfeld: I mean, can’t even look at him. But still better than Cruz.

6. The decomposed remains of Shannon Hoon: The former Blind Melon lead singer has been dead for 20 years. He also was a serious drug addict. Still better than Cruz.

7. Dan Quayle: Not sure where he is these days (eating a potatoe?). But he never struck me as a bad person.

8. Norma, my dog: Good intentions, always optimistic, higher IQ.

9. Dick Cheney: This Dick Cheney. To be clear.

10. My next-door neighbor: She’s in her 80s, and has pretty severe dementia. The other day she told my wife to thank the woman who baked banana bread. Which was my wife. Still, I’d take Ronald Reagan over Ted Cruz. So, hey. Same thing.

11. John Kerry: Horrible campaigner, but I’d take him over Cruz.

12. Courtney Love: She’s insane. But not as insane as Cruz.

13. Earl Campbell: Knees are shot. But guy could run and run and run.

14. Rick Perry: This is astonishing, because Perry is the devil. But I don’t think he’s as loathsome as Cruz.

15. John Rocker: I swear to God, I would pick Rocker over Ted Cruz.

16. Al Sharpton: He’s a fraud and a buffoon. But still, better than Cruz.

17. Melido Perez: I’m not entirely sure whether the former Yankee pitcher is alive. And, even if he is alive, he’s almost certainly not an American citizen. Still, he’s got my vote.

18. Rush Limbaugh: I mean it. I would vote for him over Cruz.

19. Rocky Suhayda: Chairman of the American Nazi Party. Not a fan, but much smarter than Cruz.

20. Ryan Phillips: Rumors and Rants founder. And a dude who requested to be here.

21. Floyd Mayweather: Arrogant asshole. But better.

22. Muhammad Ali: Even in his state, has integrity Cruz lacks.

23. Sarah Palin: Unbelievable. But true.

24. Hulk Hogan: Strikes me as a bad guy. But … still.

25. Me. And I would suck.