We here at jeffpearlman.com (well, me here at jeffpearlman.com) are nothing but conventional. And convention calls for all major sports media outlets to follow the first round of the NFL Draft with a winners and losers column.
So, here’s my winners and losers column …
WINNER! The women of Tampa/St. Petersburg
Jameis is coming to town. And he’s looking for that special someone to cuddle with.
LOSER! The crabs of Tampa/St. Petersburg
Jameis is coming to town. And he’s looking for that special someone to cuddle with.
•••
WINNER! All 31 NFL franchises not named the Tennessee Titans
Zach Mettenberger has demanded a trade. He’s yours for the taking!
LOSER! Zach Mettenberger
Literally. Guy went 0-6 last year, isn’t very good and has the trade value of Ki-Jana Carter’s spittle cup.
•••
WINNER! Chris Berman
Once again dominates draft coverage with wacky sayings, repeated lines, awful nicknames.
LOSER! Folks forced to watch Chris Berman.
I love the Draft. I don’t have the NFL Network. By the 73rd cliche, my ears began to bleed. Literally.
•••
WINNER! The Baltimore Sun
Which offered amazing coverage of the recent riots.
LOSER! The Baltimore Sun
For producing this headline on a night when Jameis Winston was selected first overall.
•••
WINNER! New York Jets
Leonard Williams was considered the most talented player in the Draft. He fell to the Jets at No. 6.
LOSER! Troy Polamalu
Legendary Steeler retired barely a month, and league has already replaced his hair.
•••
WINNER! Brandon Scherff
High draft pick, lots of money, Washington’s a cool city.
LOSER! Brandon Scherff’s 27-inch chin
NFL locker rooms are not kind to rookie’s physical features. Prepare for a rough indoctrination.
•••
WINNER! Ali Regan
My former Mahopac High School classmate. Seems to have a very nice boyfriend, judging by Facebook updates.
LOSER! Mel Kiper
When you’re 55-years old, and your life and career depend on begging for phone calls from 19-year olds, eh, something has gone terribly wrong.
