We here at jeffpearlman.com (well, me here at jeffpearlman.com) are nothing but conventional. And convention calls for all major sports media outlets to follow the first round of the NFL Draft with a winners and losers column.
So, here’s my winners and losers column …
WINNER! The women of Tampa/St. Petersburg
LOSER! The crabs of Tampa/St. Petersburg
WINNER! All 31 NFL franchises not named the Tennessee Titans
LOSER! Zach Mettenberger
Literally. Guy went 0-6 last year, isn’t very good and has the trade value of Ki-Jana Carter’s spittle cup.
WINNER! Chris Berman
LOSER! Folks forced to watch Chris Berman.
WINNER! The Baltimore Sun
LOSER! The Baltimore Sun
For producing this headline on a night when Jameis Winston was selected first overall.
WINNER! New York Jets
Leonard Williams was considered the most talented player in the Draft. He fell to the Jets at No. 6.
LOSER! Troy Polamalu
WINNER! Brandon Scherff
LOSER! Brandon Scherff’s 27-inch chin
NFL locker rooms are not kind to rookie’s physical features. Prepare for a rough indoctrination.
WINNER! Ali Regan
My former Mahopac High School classmate. Seems to have a very nice boyfriend, judging by Facebook updates.
LOSER! Mel Kiper
When you’re 55-years old, and your life and career depend on begging for phone calls from 19-year olds, eh, something has gone terribly wrong.