NFL Draft: The Winners and Losers

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We here at jeffpearlman.com (well, me here at jeffpearlman.com) are nothing but conventional. And convention calls for all major sports media outlets to follow the first round of the NFL Draft with a winners and losers column.

So, here’s my winners and losers column …

WINNER! The women of Tampa/St. Petersburg

Screen Shot 2015-05-01 at 10.20.29 AMJameis is coming to town. And he’s looking for that special someone to cuddle with.

LOSER! The crabs of Tampa/St. Petersburg

Screen Shot 2015-05-01 at 10.22.24 AMJameis is coming to town. And he’s looking for that special someone to cuddle with.

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WINNER! All 31 NFL franchises not named the Tennessee Titans

Screen Shot 2015-05-01 at 10.24.09 AMZach Mettenberger has demanded a trade. He’s yours for the taking!

LOSER! Zach Mettenberger

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Literally. Guy went 0-6 last year, isn’t very good and has the trade value of Ki-Jana Carter’s spittle cup.

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WINNER! Chris Berman

Screen Shot 2015-05-01 at 10.27.15 AMOnce again dominates draft coverage with wacky sayings, repeated lines, awful nicknames.

LOSER! Folks forced to watch Chris Berman.

Screen Shot 2015-05-01 at 10.28.28 AMI love the Draft. I don’t have the NFL Network. By the 73rd cliche, my ears began to bleed. Literally.

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WINNER! The Baltimore Sun

Screen Shot 2015-05-01 at 10.31.48 AMWhich offered amazing coverage of the recent riots.

LOSER! The Baltimore Sun

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For producing this headline on a night when Jameis Winston was selected first overall.

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WINNER! New York Jets

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Leonard Williams was considered the most talented player in the Draft. He fell to the Jets at No. 6.

LOSER! Troy Polamalu

Screen Shot 2015-05-01 at 10.36.24 AMLegendary Steeler retired barely a month, and league has already replaced his hair.

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WINNER! Brandon Scherff

Screen Shot 2015-05-01 at 10.40.30 AMHigh draft pick, lots of money, Washington’s a cool city.

LOSER! Brandon Scherff’s 27-inch chin

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NFL locker rooms are not kind to rookie’s physical features. Prepare for a rough indoctrination.

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WINNER! Ali Regan

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My former Mahopac High School classmate. Seems to have a very nice boyfriend, judging by Facebook updates.

LOSER! Mel Kiper

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When you’re 55-years old, and your life and career depend on begging for phone calls from 19-year olds, eh, something has gone terribly wrong.

 

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