CNN and Jared from Subway

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Visited CNN.com today, because I often visit CNN.com to see how the worst news website in America is treating the big stories.

So what led the day’s headlines?

Jimmy Carter’s cancer? Nope.

Nope.

Nope.

CNN’s big breaking news? Jared, the fat-turned-skinny-turned-chunky-turned-thin-turned-fat-turned skinny again Subway spokesman, is is planning to plead guilty to child pornography charges.

Yup.

Jared. Jared. The guy who pitched sandwiches. The guy who truly, is as significant in our lives as Gary Coleman’s younger sister and the rock band Golden Earring. The guy who is famous, well semi-sorta-famous, for telling us to buy crappy sandwiches. This is the story CNN.com has decided to lead with, even though it offers, at best, zero news value. Jared’s arrest means nothing. Truly, nothing. It doesn’t change the face of child pornography. It doesn’t make a dent in the issue. It isn’t the passage of a new bill or the inspiration for updated protections. Nope, it’s simply the pathetic saga of a pathetic man who liked mediocre bread and junior high girls.

So why does CNN—the once-upon-a-time American news leader—go this route? Because of this: Click, click, click, click, click, click, click, click, click. With every click, there are dollars to be had. So click, click, click, click, click, click, click, click … click, click, click, click, click, click, click, click … click, click, click, click, click, click, click, click. Donald Trump saying something crazy: click, click, click, click, click, click, click, click. Day 43 of the missing airplane: click, click, click, click, click, click, click, click. Wacky videos of a man chasing a chipmunk: click, click, click, click, click, click, click, click. A Kardashian spouse’s new gender: click, click, click, click, click, click, click, click.

The fat-turned-skinny-turned-chunky-turned-thin-turned-fat-turned skinny again Subway spokesman digging pre-pubescent girls: click, click, click, click, click, click, click, click.

Meanwhile, our planet melts and a president dies courageously.

And we all shrug indifferently.

3 thoughts on “CNN and Jared from Subway”

  1. Your last sentence is wrong, I believe even for you and Mashaw! It should read, “And we all click, click, click, click…

  2. It’s an accurate indictment as to how mainstream media is covered and where we are as a country. Maybe if we focused more on education from the onset, we would be concerning ourselves with the real issues instead of clicking on mindless crap like that.

  3. We suck as a people. Really, it’s just proof of evolution. There is no way we’re the result of some intelligent design.

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