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Who Will Become the 45th President of the United States

Hillary, Vincent, Huckabee: All worthy of this list.
Hillary, Vincent, Huckabee: All worthy of this list.

So I’m a political junkie, but I’m also a guy not quite ready for bed tonight. So, having paid close attention to the election thus far, I’m offering my MOST LIKELY TO BE THE NEXT PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES rankings. Everyone here knows I’m very liberal, but this ranking has zero to do with my leanings. I promise.

Anyhow, here you go …

1. Hillary Clinton: She has to be first by virtue of the fact that she’s locked up the Democratic nomination, so we know for 99 percent certainty she’ll be one of the final two. Also, the Clintons survive shit. Lots of shit. It’s pretty amazing.

2. Marco Rubio: He’s the guy the Democrats should be nervous about. Established, charming, handsome, young, from a key state. I’ve never bought the whole Trump/Carson frontrunners thing. This is Rubio’s nomination for the taking. And if/when he gets it, Hillary will be in for a harsh fight.

3. Ted Cruz: He’s awful, and nobody seems to like him personally. But he’s run a pretty strong campaign, he’s an excellent debater and the Tea Partiers absolutely love him.

4. Donald Trump: Weird to say, but he has to be up near the top, based solely upon the whole Teflon thing. Doesn’t matter who the man insults, he lingers and hangs around.

5. John Kasich: Ohio governor would be nearly as tough as Rubio in a general election, but I don’t see a path for him getting there. Hasn’t inspired the right as I presumed he would. Sorta bland and awkward on the trail.

6. Bernie Sanders: If Hillary trips and falls, or suddenly sheds her skin and reveals herself to be Tupac, Bernie steps in—and gets trounced. Sadly.

7. Jeb Bush: Just the least-inspiring campaign I can remember.

8. Ben Carson: Honeymoon is about to end. Doesn’t seem like a bad human being, but comes across as c-r-a-z-y. Not in a good way.

9. Carly Fiorina: Friend told me the other day he likes her as a candidate. “Yeah,” I said, “but her business record is atrocious.” He agreed that’s a problem. Which is troubling … because it’s really all she has to run on.

10. Chris Christie: Four years too late.

11. Rand Paul: Not crazy, but kinda the right’s Bernie Sanders. Forthrightness is great, but people don’t love it in a presidential candidate. Which is a bummer.

12. My Elbow: It’s strong and pointy.

13. George Pataki: Very hard to say his name without inadvertently yawning. It’s quite odd.

14. Martin O’Malley: Even Martin O’Malley doesn’t find Martin O’Malley interesting.

15. Lindsey Graham: Except for wanting to bomb and attack everything, quite electable.

16. Wesley Walker: Former Jets wide receiver is blind in one eye.

17. Bobby Jindal: Gotta wonder whether the people of Louisiana realize he’s still running.

18. Mike Huckabee: Waiting for the moment he gets caught in a crack house with a transvestite hooker.

19. Rick Santorum: Waiting for the moment he gets caught in a crack house with a transvestite hooker. Actually, I wouldn’t even notice.

20. Vinnie Vincent: Former KISS guitarist. Was “The Egyptian” for one album.