Scott Baio for President

I am using this space to endorse Scott Baio for president.

Which is sort of awkward, because earlier today Scott Baio endorsed Donald Trump for president.

Timing is everything.

I digress. Scott Baio should be the 45th commander in chief. First, because his last name only has four letters, and “President Baio” has a lovely ring to it. Second, because he spent nearly a decade playing Erin Moran’s love interest, first on “Happy Days,” then on “Joanie Loves Chachi.” And, by all accounts, Moran was downright insane. So Scott Baio has a soft spot for insane people. Third, because Scott Baio did this with a straight face. And if one can do that with a straight face, he can stare down Congress and demand 100,000 troops need to be sent to Guam. Fourth, because Scott Baio initially endorsed Scott Walker, meaning he believes in the power of adult men who look to be 12. Fifth, because—from 2012-2014—Scott Baio starred as “David Hobbs” in the Nickelodeon series, “See Dad Run,” and Hobbs was the “loveable goofball uncle who becomes the guardian of his nephew, a conservative 12-year-old genius.” So he has political experience. Sixth, because the final scene of Happy Days still makes me fucking cry. Seventh, because he was always nice to Spike. Eighth, because he’s dated Pamela Anderson, Nicole Eggert and Heather Locklear. Ninth, because the Republican Party is a complete shit show, and I would—no exaggeration—prefer taking a shot on Baio over either Trump or Ted Cruz. Tenth, because, according to the Hollywood Reporter, Baio is the latest celebrity to endorse Trump, joining a buffet of pure awesomeness: Jon Voight, Ted Nugent, Aaron Carter, Kid Rock, Stephen Baldwin and Willie Robertson from Duck Dynasty.

Why does this last one excite me? Two reasons:

A. Aaron Carter followers me on Twitter.

B. My local Marshall’s sells Duck Dynasty T-shirts for 99 cents.