Anyone who reads this site knows I’m a fan of poop and piss and stories of such.
I am not, however, a fan of gross public bathrooms. But they do intrigue me …
Earlier tonight I found myself working inside a Los Angeles Jamba Juice. From my years of experience, Jamba Juice bathrooms are almost always clean—because Jamba Juices are almost always clean. I know there are 8 gazillion Jamba Juices, and some are surely better maintained than others. But, overall, you’d take a Jamba Juice shitter over McDonald’s or Burger King or Starbucks any day of the week.
Not this one.
Here’s my official jeffpearlman.com Jamba Juice bathroom photo gallery …
• 1. The floor: Sticky. Grimy. Gross. If you offered me $100,000 to lick it, I’d probably have to pass. If you offered me $100 million, I’d suffer the inevitable black tongue plague that would leave me forever speechless. It screams, “Nobody has mopped this in seven hours. Deal with it.”
• 2. The ceiling: Moldy. Which is both unusual, and a little bit disconcerting for a place that peddles food. I can deal with mold in a tile store, mold in a museum, even mold on my home patio. But mold in an eatery is bad news.
• 3. The trash bin: Overflowing, and not even close to not overflowing. This is a bad one, because you know—at varying points throughout the day—employees have entered the bathroom, looked at the trash and thought, “Eh, whatever. Doug will handle it.”
• 4. Nails in the wall: For a reason I don’t understand, there are two nails in the wall. Not nails to hang your jacket, or even to gouge your eyes out. Simply … nails.
• 5. Shit on the floor: Lots of shit on the floor. Shit over here, shit over there. Here a shit, there a shit. Wait—timeout. I don’t mean, literally, shit. I mean … stuff. Napkins, towels, edges of things.
Oh, and someone carved his name into the toilet. I say “his” because even though this particular Jamba Juice only has one bathroom, women aren’t dumb enough to do such a thing.