They don’t care that your kid scored three goals

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Sitting in a Coffee Bean and Tea, writing. A loud woman on her phone was telling someone—extremely loudly—”YOU’RE NOT GOING TO BELIEVE THIS. BUT JEREMY SCORED THREE GOALS TODAY! YES, THREE GOALS! IT’S HIS BEST GAME OF THE SEASON! AND WE HAVE ANOTHER GAME AT 1! YES … OH, OK. BYE!”

She hung up, ordered her coffee, dialed another number. And, more or less, said this: “YOU’RE NOT GOING TO BELIEVE THIS. BUT JEREMY SCORED THREE GOALS TODAY! YES, THREE GOALS! IT’S HIS BEST GAME OF THE SEASON! AND WE HAVE ANOTHER GAME AT 1! YES … OH, OK. BYE!”

I have tremendous pride in my children. I truly do. And my wife and I brag to each other about them quite often. But I’m keenly aware that the vast majority of people don’t give a shit. You don’t want to hear my brag about my kids’ baseball games and water polo games. My friends don’t want to hear how many goals they scored, what they got on a test. I know this, because I’ve had the following discussion:

Me: “Emmett had two hits today.”

Friend: “Oh. That’s cool.”

Me: “You don’t really give a shit about that, do you?”

Friend: “Not really.”

And it’s true—my friends don’t give a shit about how many hits my son has in a game. And why would they? It’s not interesting. Hell, I’d argue my parents don’t really give a shit how many hits my son has in a game. I mean, they care a little, I suppose. But bare minimum. There are simply more riveting things in the world; more pressing items.

So, take it from me, a guy with children aged 10 and 13: The last time you bragged to your friend how Little Julie just said, “mamamoomoo” and it was so cute and you have a video … and … and … and …

Most people don’t give a shit.

And that’s perfectly fine.

2 thoughts on “They don’t care that your kid scored three goals”

  1. What if that lady was telling the boy’s father? Or grandparents? Or favorite uncle or aunt?

    Kid could have been an accident and wasn’t able to walk for a long time or perhaps the kid is painfully shy, hated soccer, wasn’t good at the game and everything clicked. Or maybe this was a pretty important game, like a state playoff and it was kinda big deal that the kid scored three goals.

    I’m not calling you out (maybe I am, a little) but there’s lots of reasons to be excited about a kids’ accomplishments. As a parent, you’re allowed to brag about your kid — it’s kind of what parents do. I don’t know, seems kind of innocent.

  2. What about Al Bundy, who famously scored 4 touchdowns against Polk High? He wound up a shoe salesman married to Peg, so let him have his little “nachas.”

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