Air

Scott Pruitt. He's 48, but looks 75. Ah, cigarettes and oil.

Scott Pruitt. He’s 48, but looks 75. Ah, cigarettes and oil.

Because so many of our fellow Americans choose to lather themselves in the cocooned ignorance of reality television and xenophobic political speeches from orange men with greed in their hearts, I’d like to provide an important-yet-apparently-little-known fact.

We need our air to be clean.

Hell, here’s another one. Slightly more obscure, but equally valuable.

We need our water to be clean.

See, without clean air and clean water, we poison ourselves, we poison our children, then we get sick and die. “But,” you argue, “we all die.” Which is true. But without clean air and clean water, we die significantly more swiftly. Which is quite unfortunate.

So, again, as a refresher: Clean air—good. Clean water—good.

I bring this up because many of you were conned into voting Donald J. Trump for president, which means you are partially responsible for the announcement today that the new head of the EPA will be Scott Pruitt, the Oklahoma attorney general who has devoted much of his adult life to protecting our greatest polluters. Oh, wait—I should probably be clear: EPA is short for ENVIRONMENTAL PROTECTION AGENCY. Meaning Pruitt, an anti-environment zealot who does not believe in climate change, is about to oversee America’s approach to keeping air and water clean.

Time out: I just vomited. Luckily, my breakfast was bread.

OK, I’m back. Pruitt is a bad guy. He’d have a sinister British accent in most films. Here, take a read …

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Anyhow, I just wanna say—to those of you who didn’t vote for Hillary Clinton because of e-mails or Libya—FUCK! FUCK! FUCK! FUCK! WHAT THE FUCK WERE YOU THINKING? WHAT THE FLYING MOTHERFUCKING FUCK FUCK FUCK WERE YOU FUCKING THINKING? DO YOU CARE ABOUT THIS PLANET? LIKE, AT ALL? ARE YOU HAPPY, HAVING REWARDED AN IGNORANT BULLY WITH THE WHITE HOUSE? FOR FUCKING FUCK’S SAKE, LOOK WHAT YOU’VE DONE. JUST LOOK—YOU FELL FOR A FUCKING CON MAN. HE BAMBOOZLED YOU, AND YOU’RE TOO STUPID TO EVEN KNOW WHAT BAMBOOZLED MEANS. SO LOOK IT UP. OR GOOGLE IT. WHATEVER.

Happy holidays, everyone!

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