JEFF PEARLMAN

Coming October 2022: "The Last Folk Hero: The Life and Myth of Bo Jackson"

Dear Kids—no thank you. I’m good.

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Earlier today I volunteers at the holiday boutique for my son’s elementary school. It was lovely and warm, and children were presented with a wide option of gift possibilities for the loved ones in their lives.

That being said, I’d like to offer this message to my son and daughter: No thank you.

Seriously, no thank you. I don’t need the tie, the back-scratcher, the candle, the plastic PEACE TO THE WORLD sign, the knockoff Rubik’s Cube, the screwdriver, the ruler, the stuffed ball, the pretend glasses, the tie, the memo pad. I don’t need any of it.

Now, I know this makes me sound like a dick. And perhaps I am a dick. But I’m flashing back to my own boyhood, when I would annually present my wonderful father with the back-scratcher, the candle, the plastic PEACE TO THE WORLD sign, the knockoff Rubik’s Cube, the screwdriver, the ruler, the stuffed ball, the pretend glasses, the tie, the memo pad. Dad would smile, thank me profusely … and then I’d never, ever, ever see the stuff ever again. It vanished into the holiday-gift-I-have-no-need-for abyss (aka: a box in the garage).

So, really, save your money, kids.

I’ll take the card and the hugs.

PS: The most useful item at today’s gala is pictured above. Only two were purchased.