Dear Fairmont—this is getting ugly


Dear Fairmont:

Yesterday evening I wrote to you about the bullshit, inexcusable act of charging guests $14.02 a day for wifi. You can read my letter here—but, in return for your callous greed, I stole from the basement gym both your glass fruit bowl and eight apples. Many of those Granny Smiths no longer live. I tortured them, and when I was done I callously tossed their rotted browned remains into a metal tin.

Alas, you didn’t get the message. Today I mentioned to an employee my anger over this practice, and he dismissively said, “Well, the wifi is free in the lobby.”

With such indifference to the paying customer, I have no choice but to take this to the next level. The above image is the plate you brought to the basement to fill in for the missing bowl. Well, now I have that, too. And the apples—two of which have since met their painful demises.

But that’s not all. See this …


Yes, it’s one of your plastic laundry bags. Which, I’m shocked, seems to come sans price tag (though I’ll withhold judgment under receiving the bill). Inside the bag are—count them—13 apples. Added to the ones I’ve already throttled, that’s a sound 20. So unless you remove the Internet charge from my bill, the fruit will be returning with me to California, where they will be served, one by one, to my sharp-toothed ogre spawns, Fang and WartLip III.

You have been warned.