I feel helpless

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It’s been a long time since I’ve used this space to write about health.

Why? Because the health anxiety I once suffered from (in crippling ways) is pretty much gone. I’m no longer consumed by my inevitable death. I no longer think every bump, every scratch, every tingle, every itch is ALS or bone cancer. I’m no longer overwhelmed by me.

And that’s all fantastic. Because health anxiety blows, and I was tired of, eh, blowing.

Alas …

I am, slowly, losing my mind. For seven or eight months now, I’ve had a legitimate problem with my right ear. It’s weird, and I don’t quite know how/when it began. Maybe a flight. Maybe a swim. But the ear is … hmm. How to describe? It feels, often, clogged. Pressure-packed. But in a strange way. When I sit up straight, not so bad. When I lean in certain directions it gets worse. I can still hear clearly, but there’s a simultaneously muffling of sound. It’s not like a crumpling of paper, or a crashing wave. It’s more like … cotton kinda stuffed in your eardrum. Or, to be more precise, someone taking the cotton stuffed in your eardrum and pushing it around.

It comes.

It goes.

It’s always there when I wake in the morning and my head is low, against a pillow. Sometimes it’s accompanied by a sense of pressure against my head. Other times it’s not.

I’ve been to three doctors. Tests have been done. A CAT scan—nothing. An incision to release pressure—nothing. I’ve used different sprays; I’ve taken allergy pills—nothing. I’m thinking of trying to a chiropractor, because … eh … I’m desperate.

I know this isn’t an interesting post, but I’m genuinely frustrated and lost.