The aliens wanted our gold. Then they sodomized us for sport.

So my son wanted to stay up until midnight for New Year’s, and since he’s 14 and super cool and we have nothing planned tomorrow, I was all in on the plan.

Then we decided to watch that 2011 classic piece of movie making, “Cowboys & Aliens.”

Yup.

First, here’s the crazy thing: Not everything about “Cowboys & Aliens” is awful. The cast is deep, the scenery is fantastic. For the first half hour or so it feels like a legit western, the kind John Wayne and Clint Eastwood once made to perfection.

Then, it falls apart.

I can buy aliens visiting earth in the mid-1800s.

I can buy Daniel Craig as a bad-ass cowboy.

I can buy cowboys and Native Americans teaming up to form a super force.

I can even buy the plot line that aliens come to earth solely because they crave gold, so they start shooting everyone and gathering the loot.

Wait.

Wait.

No.

I cannot buy that.

The reason everything happens in “Cowboys & Aliens” is … the aliens want gold. Why do they want gold? We never know. How did they first learn of this thing called gold? Again, no clue. But they crave it like a drunk craves rum, so they fly all over the place in their circa-2800 space ships, killing cowboys and gobbling gold.

Oh, almost forget: They also capture tons of humans, then study them (aka: open their flesh with knives, then incinerate) on the mothership. Why? So they can know our weaknesses. Which is ABSOLUTELY FUCKING BONKERS, because our weaknesses are … we’re cowboys. Just cowboys. No space crafts. No levitation. We possess no psychic powers. We’ve got nothing, outside of horses, whiskey bottles and guns that hardly shoot straight. For fuck’s sakes, this is more than 100 years before the birth of Christian Okoye. So even he’s not around to help.

Ultimately, it’s an OK flick for 30 seconds and a brutal one for 90.

Which led to Emmett’s final thought, roughly halfway through and with the clock reading 12:14 am.

“I’m ready for bed.”

1 thought on “The aliens wanted our gold. Then they sodomized us for sport.”

  1. Gold is a good conductor, but probably the movie didn’t put that much thought into it. Maybe the idea was these aliens had their own gold rush and were willing to go to great lengths to seize it.

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