We won! We won! Now let’s die!

I enjoy the state of Alabama.

I mean that, and not in the typical snide New Yorker/Californian sense of, “I enjoy the state of Alabama because the people are so stupid.”

Nope, I literally have enjoyed much about Alabama. During my 2 1/2 years in Nashville at the start of my career, I spent some wonderful times in the Yellowhammer State—including finishing the Rocket City Marathon in Huntsville. It’s a state rich in history, and while much of that history isn’t exactly, eh, flattering to the inhabitants, it’s history nonetheless. And it’s riveting.

That said, what the fuckity fucking fuck is wrong with these people?

In case you missed it, tonight the University of Alabama’s football factory team defied no odds because they were destined to win some random person who doesn’t follow sports’ expectations and demolished Ohio State to capture yet another national title.

And then, the people of Tuscaloosa stormed the streets and … and …and … and …

Threw one hell of a COVID party.

My pal Russ Bengtson is 100 percent correct: We are, factually, just the absolutely hands-down stupidest country in the history of countries. And, tonight, Alabama proved itself the absolutely hands-down stupidest state in the hands-down stupidest country in the history of countries.

It is inexplicable:

Step 1: Your heavily favored team, with a coach making $9.2 million per year, beats an OK team.

Step 2: You’re national champions—yet again. Yawn.

Step 3: You know we’re in the midst of a nationwide pandemic that (ahem) has killed hundreds of thousands of Americans.

Step 4: But … your heavily favored team, with a coach making $9.2 million per year, beat an OK team! It’s time to party!

Step 5: Halfway out the door you grab your mask.

Step 6: Then you say, “Fuck it.”

Step 7: You party with 300,000 other maskless fools, half wearing MAGA and STOP THE STEAL T-shirts.

Step 8: Five days from now your raccoon burger has no taste. “That’s weird.”

Step 9: You’re fucking dead.

Roll Tide!

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