So I was checking out the magazines at one of Grand Central Terminal’s 100 newsstands today when I stumbled upon the latest Playboy, protectively sealed in a tight-fitting plastic bag.
And who was on the cover? Aubrey O’Day.
I know … I know. Who the f-ck is Aubrey O’Day? Sadly (and embarrassingly), I know the answer. She was one of the five members of the R&B group Danity Kane, which came to life via the third season of MTV’s Making the Band in 2005. Back in the day, the wife and I used to watch the show. It was mindless entertainmentâ€”musically worthless and culturally embarrassing, but a fine chance to put the brain on cruise control for 30 minutes. (The Bachelor, only with music and sans the dweeb uttering things like, “I’m really learning to love her inner-soul.”)
Anyhow, O’Day was probably the most noticeable character. First off, she was the prettiest (but with really tragic haircuts). Second, she was a former college sorority girl who dreamed of making it big. Third, she seemed pretty nice and down to earth. Fourth, she absolutely, positively could not singâ€”and everyone on the show knew it.
For a brief time burp, Danity Kane made some noise. They had a hit single with Young Joc, Show Stopper, that I sorta liked. But then, a few months ago, the group split. Supposedly, O’Dayâ€”who, armed with fake breasts and big hair, thought she could do better as a solo artistâ€”was the main reason why.
Hence, this post: I liked Aubrey O’Day. Really, I did. So, if she happens to be reading this, here’s my adviceâ€”rent, don’t buy. I’ve seen the future of Aubrey O’Day, and it unfolds thusly …
â€¢ February 2009: Jeff Pearlman spots her on the cover of Playboy and writes this post.
â€¢ February-March 2009: O’Day basks in the attention, until another fake-breasted blonde lands on the ensuing Playboy cover, making Aubrey old news.
â€¢ July 1, 2009â€”Aubrey O’Day’s phone rings. Maxim wants her to pose with a llama for its special llama-themed issue.
â€¢ July 2, 2009â€”Aubrey O’Day agrees to pose with the llama, but only under the condition that it not poop on her shoes
â€¢ December 2009â€”Aubrey O’Day tells a website run by Jimmy Deglan, a 15-year-old music fan from Wykoinka, Idaho, that she would consider allowing Danity Kane to take her back.
â€¢ December 2009â€”Danity Kane’s members laugh. Says one: “Tell that helium-breasted ho that we’ll see her in Atlantic City.”
â€¢ March 2010â€”O’Day opens for the Kid ‘n’ Play reunion show in Atlantic City.
â€¢ September 2010â€”O’Day signs a record deal with Wykoinka Music. Her contract states that all songs must be recorded in the nude, while gyrating against a pole to 15-year-old Jimmy Deglan and his 20 closest friends.
â€¢ December 2010â€”O’Day appears on the cover of Juggs Digest, sucking on a lollipop while coated in a sexy mixture of vanilla pudding and cat urine.
â€¢ February 2011â€”O’Day is arrested outside of the Kansas City Holiday Inn after offering a $3 hand-job to a 70-year-old attendee of the “Jesus And You: Love, Love, Love” convention and tie sale.