So fairly often I receive disturbing e-mails—usually from some angry sports fans who take the games way too personally. Most of the time I reply kindly, then move on. No harm, no foul.
Today, I’ll make an exception.
At 4:39 this afternoon I received the following e-mail:
Pearlman:
It’s gotta suck being you.
1) you’re a case of epic fail at comedy writing
2) you’re prematurely bald & probably never get laid
3) you’re an ignorant hater
Go play in traffic, you useless toolbox.
The note was from someone named Chris Byrne of Los Angeles. This might be his real name, it might not be. Byrne was referring to a piece I wrote on how the Clippers will inevitably screw up Blake Griffin. Admittedly, it was one of the worst columns I’ve written in a while—not especially funny, sorta flat.
Hey, it happens. Nobody’s perfect.
That said, I will never, ever, ever understand people like Chris Byrne, who can’t merely complain, but have to complain in the rudest way humanly possible; who have to hurl personal insults in order to make a point; who go out of their way to make people feel bad.
Hence, I’m extending an offer, and I’m e-mailing it to Chris. Since I’m obviously not funny, I ask you, dear Chris, to write funny. An essay … a column … a lengthy diatribe. Whatever you want. Put your talents where your insults are, and step up. No matter what you write (Nazi sympathies the exception), I will happily run on this blog …
Your call, Biff …
