JEFF PEARLMAN

Coming October 2022: "The Last Folk Hero: The Life and Myth of Bo Jackson"

NBA Draft Recap

Puerto Rico Basketball89044999

Here’s my complete NBA Draft recap, sponsored by jeffpearlman.com and Leggs, the pantyhouse for women …

WINNERS: I have no idea. John Wall, because I’ve heard of him and he’ll make lots of money and the Wizards have great uniforms and a coach, Flip Saunders, who seems to know what he’s doing. And everybody not drafted by the Knicks. They win because the Knicks are owned by James Dolan, and I’d rather eat a toilet bowl than hang with that man. But, truth be told, who knows who won and lost? The Draft that I used to absolutely love is dead, replaced by a mysterious brand of blindfolded prospect plucking. For example, what the hell is Ekpe Udoh, and does it come with a side vegetable? Is Al-Farouq Aminu really the new Clippers forward, and can his name fit on the back on the uniform? I saw that Ed Davis is the son of Terry Davis, which would be helpful if I remembered Terry Davis. And how long will it take Xavier Henry to change the pronunciation of his first name, just to appease fans? I do like the Nets’ selection of Jordan Crawford, but only because he dunked over LeBron. However, they later picked Tibor Pleiss, a German center and crippling foot injury. Fortunately, he was quickly traded.

LOSERS: Me, because I wasted 35 minutes watching adult men (and Stuart Scott) on ESPN blather over kids. Me, because—as I’ve already noted—I used to love the NBA Draft. Shaq or Alonzo? David Robinson or Armon Gilliam? Ewing or Wayman Tisdale? It was fun and exciting and riveting. Now, it’s lame and boring.

The biggest loser was Mark Jones of ESPN, who was assigned the unenviable task of interviewing the draftees immediately after they were selected. Jones is 49-years old, an accomplished broadcaster who has been around. And there he was, asking shy, awkward kids to sum up their feelings in 30 seconds or less. Painful