The world is ending

Well, the Rapture is supposed to come tomorrow at 6 pm. And, in the spirit of Almost Famous, there are some last-second things I need to get off my chest …

• Those John Rocker quotes? Forget context—they were all made up.

• That time I went away last summer on “vacation”? Four words: Heroin. Is. A. Beast.

• My father was a streetcorner pimp from Detroit named Lux; my mother one of his ladies. She just went by the number 13.

• I don’t shave my head for looks; I’m the first Jewish neo-Nazi skinhead.

• I cheated on my wife with the plump housekeeper. Eh, sorry.

• Air Supply rocks.

• I really do enjoy long walks on the beach, holding hands and gazing longingly at the sun.

• I’m not gay, per say, but I’ve tried a few things.

• My dog started to annoy me, so I locked her in the basement—six weeks ago. She hasn’t barked in some time.

• I was the seventh member of the 12th incarnation of Menudo. That’s me—second from the left.

• I’m all about Rick Santorum. You’re the man, Rick! You’re the man!

• I’m sorry about that thing with the guavas and the hammer.

• I’ve never written a book.